Lost

Have you ever heard the song by Colin Haye "Waiting for my real life to begin"? I am having a particularly sad day. The sun is outside shining but my soul is intensely cold. The light begs to touch my skin, but I can not find it in me today to reach out for it.
As I hear these words, waiting for my real life to begin, the tears just swell up. Unexpected and unwelcome, I can't seem to stop, as much as I hate them. I find myself disgusted that I am relating to this song. What do I have to possibly complain about?
Hate me or love me, I am lost. I am alone. I am surrounded by people who love me, and I feel alone. Or maybe abandoned. I am not sure who abandoned who, me to my life or my life to me. I think that is why this song has hit me today. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend.... yet I don't know who I am. I look in the mirror and wonder how I got here.
Everyday I see my precious little girl who I love more than life growing further away from me. I still see this little face looking up at me that use to need and want me more than anything in the world. A girl I laughed with, spent all my time with and looked forward to seeing every morning. As I look at her through cloudy eyes, I notice her eyes have changed for me. What saddens me the most, is they have changed for only me. The unconditional love she shares with almost anyone - doesn't seem to even trickle over to me. Our days are now filled with directions, frustration, explanations, or punishments. I hate myself for the way I have become, and not just with her.
I use to be full of life and happiness. The only thing I see looking back at me now is someone so heavy with sorrows, worry, disappointment and a lack of drive. Who is that person? What the hell is she doing looking back at me? I never wanted this, I never wanted her.
Bring me back to a place where I can smile at the sun, dance like I am great, and laugh like everything brings me a silly happiness. Please don't let me be this person I see. Please don't let Makenzie see it. I want so much more for her. I don't want her to be anything like me. I have screwed up so many times, in so many ways. If I could wish one thing for her, is that God would grant her the foresight that I don't have. To see that there is some grand master plan and that we aren't alone. That the little things are just that....little. I wish she would see the world that I would see for her.
My heart aches, and I am weak. I need some rest. I need to pull from the dust the person that others say they see, or use to. I remember a story I heard in church about the pioneers as the crossed the plains. It was the dead of winter, middle of a huge wind storm. Here these simple people are pulling these impossibly heavy wooden hand carts through the snow with thin straps of leather on their feet. Their babies were dying, and loved ones were forced to leave them behind. What did these people do? THEY KEPT GOING. In a picture I saw that depicted this, you seem them crippled over pushing with everything they had left...... and next to them - angels were helping them push. Right along side next to them, pushing with all their might and strength.
I need my angel.