2012 - It has commenced!

Ok, so the clean eating has begun. Yesterday. Thanks right, I am already a day behind:) What is clean eating you ask? I have been asked that by quite a few people, so I should clarify that this is a term I use for myself, and probably improperly:) To me, its no more soda, virtually no sugar or breads, only good carbs, lots and lots of veggies and fruits. I am determined to make the $120 dollars Drew and I spend on Crossfit a month, worth it. Thats right, we spend that much on a Crossfit, but I will tell you what - it has been the best money we have ever spent. It has given us something in common that betters our lives. It also gives us some healthy competition:) Drew finally got the motivation to do it 3 months after I started because I was getting stronger than him! Haha! What husband can live with that? He is quickly catching up and will destroy me soon:)

So on to how this clean eating is going. First, I should have bought stock in Stride gum! I LIVE on it. It is my saving grace for keeping me off my sweets. Immediately after I eat, I stick a piece in. It seems to be doing the trick:) Yesterday, Drew and I both had headaches from the pop withdrawal. Yes that's right, I was finally addicted to the sauce. Its HARD to be off! I LOVE soda. Dang its sweet taste and burn! Oh well, my bones and teeth will thank me right? The food we are eating is pretty boring right now. I am guessing it will start to taste better after we eat it for a while. I have to gag down oatmeal in the morning, which I hate! Leaving behind me my delicious cereal.....*tear* I will miss it so.

We do get one cheat day a week, so I am looking forward to Friday night with my man! It gives me something to look forward to when I am gnawing on my carrots through the week. Bring on The Cheesecake Factory!

So this will be my journey. I am toying with the idea of posting a before and after picture. Really just to hold me accountable. We will see. Crossfit has transformed my body and I feel strong and empowered to stand along side men and hold my own. It's a great feeling:)!

I am going out with a friend tonight. It will be a massive challenge to eat clean, because we are going to none other than THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY! I will be strong:)!!

Terrible Two's

Not a very clever title I realize, but all the same true. The last week has been a blurred trail of every motion I can think of. I hear in my head all those people that said to me years ago with Makenzie (my now 5 year old) about how awful the 2's were going to be. So there I was, perched, ready, prepared. I read the books, too many books, Googled everything I could. I felt armored and totally brilliant. And.... I waited. The 3's came, and I waited. The 4's....more waiting. Really, I am still waiting. My armor has come down, my knowledge is now fuzzy, but none of that bothers me, because she is my miracle. In every sense of the word, she is my miracle.
I need to preface, that before anyone reading this starts to assume that I love one child more than the other, or think Makenzie can do no wrong - that is indeed not the case. She does naughty things sometimes. Years ago when she started doing those naughty things, I thought they were horribe things. I couldn't believe MY child would do these "things." It's amazing what a few years and an additional child (not to mention a BOY child) will do to gain you some clarity.
But, I digress. Lets fast forward to the present and skip the plesentries that were Makenzie's toddlerhood. I am writing this post today to air some dirty laundry about my motherhood experience with my son and daughter. I really just didn't know days could be this hard. I didn't know that this little being you carried for 9 LONG, HARD months, gained an insulting 50 pounds for, lost bladder control for, lost all sense of long or short term memory for - could look at you sometimes with that look in his eyes that makes me feel like he is just giving me the finger. (If indeed he could get those adorable chubby paws to do anything but hit his sister or pick up anything disgusting he sees:)) It's like working for a boss that constently looks at you when you ask him something, and JUST KEEPS STARING... as if not to give a flying banana about what you just said. Either that or throw his nameplate at your head.
Is it worth it? I know the polictically correct answer is yes. But some days, I really don't know. Tonight in writing this, I have gained a bit of clarity (also my children being in bed and it being silent for the first time all day:)). Do the terrible two's want to make you crawl under your bed and yell mercy at the top of your lungs? HOWDY YES. Do you wonder if you will ever make it out of the current day alive? Do you sometimes think of excuses to get away from them? Do you feel like you are in a match of WWW wrestling the tall you want to do is tap out, but your husband hasn't come home from work yet:)? ALL YES.
Let me tell you this though..... There are moments, sometimes just seconds, that you can breathe in deep and freeze it. You gain this ability as a mom, at least I have. Those beautiful seconds where you look over, while you are slaving away making dinner, and you see your two little ones playing ring around the rosey and you hear the sweetest laughter you have ever heard. You witness a pure and honest love and enjoyment of a brother and sister, that lasts you. You put this file in your head, so that all the other hours of the day you want to pull your hair out, you can remember this second, and love it. Love them. Heaven help me, with all my soul, I love them. My little Mason has been blessed with a rowdy spirit that will keep me on my toes that is for sure. But that rowdy spirit comes with a determination that I so admire. He is rough, he tumbles he gets hurt, but keeps going. All he needs is a kiss from mom where it hurt and off he goes again without so much as a tear.

He inspires me. My daughters spirit is so raw and visible. I adore that about her. She always knows what to say and when to say it, and keeps my exhausted soul hopeful and feeling genuinely loved . Mason though, he inspires me in much different way. Wouldn't it be amazing, if when I needed my Father, or Mother - all I needed to do was pray and feel that love from Them and it would keep me going. A knowledge that They are there for me, always to catch and get me back on my feet. What amazing faith and strength he has.

I will never understand why God has felt like I deserve such amazing spirits to watch over. What a huge responsibility. I can't imagine how much he loves them too, and misses them. I will cherish all the seconds I can....and the ones I just can't do anything but retreat? I will pull them back with me, and take a deep breathe and remember what happiness is around the corner.

Licking the gutter while still feeling the sun:)

That is what my last 2 hours was all about. My kids were LOOSING THEIR EVER-LOVIN MINDS tonight. Let me tell you about the day I had for them.
I woke up with them, made them a great breakfast, had their favorite Disney music playing all morning, and was cheerful and shiny to them. Now, if they only knew how Disney music is something I can usually get on board with if I am in a shiny mood, but all morning? I don't think so. Mommy doesn't love that. BUT, I do it:)
So, then we head over to Grandma #1's house to help her do some yard work. By yard work, I mean me, my mom, and sister do the yard work while our kiddos all play and do whatever fun they want. Then they get lunch made for them by Gma and then I take them home for a nice nap. After nap times, I have snacks ready for them and then we hop in the car and head to my Chiropractors (whom they love, no really, they do. He is great.) After that, we head to the hospital to see Grandpa #2. He just had his hip replaced. So they got to go and laugh with Gpa and get cookies after cookies from Grandma #2. Then home we went to go swimming in our pool with my kids best friends. Then they got to also come home with us for dinner.
Whew! Ok, it was a long day, but everything we did, they loved. Just writing it though was exhuasting:) So tonight I bathed them..... and then the devil appeared, IN BOTH OF THEM. I have never seen anything like it. We don't have tantrums in our house. Well, we NEVER did before Mason. He tries to pull them occasionally. They was a whole new level. It was to to the point that I pulled them out mid-bath and put them in their pjs, read a book to them while they weren't even listening and put them in the beds and walked out.
They were asleep 5 mins later. I mean REALLY?
I feel like its a step forward for me though, because before I would have totally shut down and gotten totally overwhelmed with that. Glad to say, it just felt like I was licking a gutter. It was awful... BUT, they sun was still out, and I knew tomorrow was just a good nights sleep away:)

Holy random post.... had to get it off my chest. Off to bed, I'm BEAT!

Mixed Breed - Yorkie/Standard Poodle

I know, totally gross if you think about the logistics, but don't. I am talking strictly personality traits here. That's what I am, a mix of those too. My book talks about what kind of personality trait you are, when human traits are compared to those of dogs. It sounded weird at first, who wants to be compared to a dog? These labels have real names, but thank heavens the author put normal names on them! I couldn't keep the scientific names straight.
The four were Yorkie, Irish Setter, Standard Poodle and Great Dane. I won't go into all of them, but mine. So I say mixed breed because I am two different people sometimes. I am the "Go out without kids and let loose, have a great time, have bad judgment (not that bad:)), make people laugh, not be so tense and stressed out" type. The Yorkie type if you will. At home, I feel like I need to be the "I know what I am doing, I don't loose control, I don't make a fool of myself, I am nothing but a good example" type. The Standard Poodle.
In realizing this, I know now that I don't want to be two different people. I am not sure I actually knew if I WAS. It's empowering to know that about yourself. If working as a vet tech all those years taught me anything, it was that mixed breeds, "mutts" if you will, are the most resilient and in the end, the cutest:)

Is it weird?

Is it weird that I was reading a book the other day that asked me the question " Who are 5 people in your life that influence you", and I could only think of 3?? I found that shocking! I guess I have never thought about it before. And what is even more strange, I would say that only 2 of those people influence me in a positive way.
This book is really opening up my eyes....and it's only the first chapter. I know you must be wondering what it is. I debating putting this on shout on my blog, opening myself up to ridicule, but then I decided to give the nay-sayers the finger if they want to mock me about it.
So yes, I am 32 and I just bought my first "self-help" book. I wouldn't labeled it that, but the dang bookstores slapped the label on it for me. Either way, I am the first to admit, I could use some self-help. I think I could have said that about myself 10 years ago. I might always be able to say that about myself. Whatever, I own it and I almost feel more empowered by saying it out loud. So here it is.... starting a journey of becoming a better me. So far, this author has made me realize something I never did. I need more inspirational people around me.

New Years Goals Update:

So to hold me accountable, here is how I am doing on my goals - or at least a few of them.
1. Food Storage: Moving slower than I would like, but I am going in the right direction. That is big for me:)
2. This blog: Obvioulsy not great, but better than I was
3. Loosing 10 pounds: I was on such a great path, down 6 pounds, but then I hit a rut. My kids got sick, my husband went out of town for 2 weeks, and that did it for me. Back to where I started. That is disheartening....but I'm NOT giving up:) Swimsuit season is around the corner!
4. Family healthy meals: Doing great!! I am proud of what we have been eating...at least most of the time:)
5. Trip with Drew: We are planning next month!!! Fingers crossed we can get someone to watch our kiddos:)
So there is an update on a few.... more thoughts are circling the drain and will hit the blog soon:)

Talk to me Shrink

Do you ever have one of those days where you just can't figure it out? Since 5 o'clock this morning, I have been trying to figure it out. The more I look inside, the harder it is to make sense of everything outside.
Marriage is filled with two extremes I think. You either have the "newlywed bliss" extreme, or the "not a wave in site" extreme. Let me explain.
The NB extreme isn't just for the newlyweds. To me, it's just a the feeling I have when things are really, really good. It doesn't have to be just when it's a holiday or your birthday, or when something is obviously good. This can be just when it is apparent that all parties involved are actively trying to elevate the other. I love this extreme. It makes me remember that I am loved, that I was CHOSEN for a reason by this person across the table from me. That no matter how tough life gets, I am his person. I love being his person.
The NAWIS extreme is a darker side. At this point I am sure you have said to yourself, there is a darker side. What about the side when someone dies, or when divorce comes, or the fighting is what echos in the night? To me, the no wave in site is worse. To me - this is when someone, or maybe both just don't care enough to put up a fight anymore. At least when things are bad, one or both of you have made a choice. Either you are climbing on board together, or you have jumped ship and taken your own life raft away. At least a choice has been made. Indecision is worse. That place where you are just complacent. It's not bad, but its not great. Life is too short for not great. It really is.
That place, that place where complacent makes a stand is where the spiral begins. I hate that place. It makes me look back, it makes me "remember when"... and sometimes that is nothing but dangerous.
I have the best man in the world. I know people always say that, truth is, they are wrong, I actually have him:). It's terrible for me to feel anything but lucky - but with all marriages, there comes some level of work. The work on my side is next to nothing. My man cleans, cooks, loves his kids, loves me, works hard to keep the green coming and still makes time for our family. He never yells or raises his voice, and I mean NEVER. He never gets upset, and is almost always the first to apologize. That is a BIG deal because I am a lot to handle sometimes, emotionally:) I know it, I own it.
So, why blast my life on a blog? Really, I don't think anyone reads this anyways, but second, writing to me is like talking to a shrink. It helps me understand all these thoughts rolling around in my head - and most of the time realize that I am being too hard on someone. This time, after thinking about just a few of my mans qualities - I know I am being to hard on him.
Honestly, I know I am a lot to handle - in all the good ways and some bad. When it is good, it is great, and that is most of the time. But when things are rough, I am so thankful I have my soul mate next to me keeping my world protected. He is just that good.
So, on my list of New Years goals, I am adding one more. I will fight complacency with all I've got. Lets see where that gets me. :)