It's all relative, isn't it?

Today was an interesting day. Saturdays are usually packed with activities, families and friends, chores to do, groceries to get. Mine was no exception. Starting out by going with a friend to get some flowers potted at a nursery. It was amazing to see what attitude filled the crowed, now-filled with nothing but plants and dirt, parking lot. In all rights, it should have been totally annoying, but no one was the least bit annoyed. In fact, it was as if our small, sun-deprived of late, town was overly friendly. Eager to help even. Each way I turned I saw smiling faces, random strangers willing to answer questions about their little nugget of gold they learned about beautiful gardening. Even the workers were excited to be there. One even told me she asked to work longer hours to be a part of all the hustle outside in the sun. My friend and I were there for over an hour and a half, and it felt like 15 minutes. My soul was filled with light again this morning, and a renewed outlook on people. As we were leaving, and surrounded (literally) by people willing to help us load up our truck with smiling faces, and old man walked by. He slowly looked up at me and waited until he knew he had my attention. Then out of his mouth, along with much sourness, came "Nice parking spot". It was full of hiss and annoyance. Just then I realized that all this happiness surrounding all of us, really is just relative to your state of being. I really couldn't believe this man could find anything to be so snarky about on a day like today. My resolve to relish in the happy became even stronger as we drove away.

Fast forward to this evening. I know no one ever admits to an imperfect marriage where their spouse and them never argue, but lets be real, it happens. It happened to Drew and I tonight, nothing big. In fact, it was ridiculously small, and we were making it into something it had no business being. Makenzie has this "friend". I put "" on it because this friend just showed up one day on our doorstep one day weeks ago. I don't even know how she knew we had a child around her age, but Makenzie jumped right on it. She didn't care that this girl obviously has baggage that no 7 year old should have to deal with. She always came a bit dirty, hair never done, clothes never fitting right. When asked about her family over the past few weeks she has been showing up, she never really had answers that made me feel good about her living situation. She was ALWAYS hungry, so we always fed her. Makenzie was always sending her home with her toys to "borrow", that ended up getting lost every time. I knew nothing about that, until tonight. Makenzie never seemed to mind too much that her toys were lost. She just loved having her friend over. She came at dinner time tonight. I must admit, my heart sinks a little when I see her peaking through my glass at the front door. Not because being kind to a child isn't something I want to do, it's more the lack of manners and not knowing how to deal with some of her issues that makes me uncomfortable. I'm only 33, what do I know about raising children?? My poor kids deal with it enough! I told her she could play until I had dinner ready, and then it was family night. As I was making dinner, the whole time I kept hearing "you need to ask her to stay and eat". So, I listened to the promptings. When I asked this sweet 7 year old if she could stay for dinner and that she needed to go ask her parents if it was ok, and that we would wait for her to get back - this was her response " Well, I came over here because my parents locked the door behind me and said that they needed alone time. So I'm pretty sure they won't mind."

It really is all relative isn't it? Here Drew and I are squabbling about the back yard, and this child is dealing with that? My heart sank. I was so sad to think of my kids ever filling that way. NO child, should ever feel that way.

I gave my little ones an extra long snuggle time tonight.

Age doesn't keep you safe....

I try and make right choices, I guess we all do. It should seem fairly easy. Good is good, bad is bad. Friends are people you care about and look out for, family are people you love and keep sheltered at all cost. Why is it then, that when you least expect it, someone you care about deeply, completely defeats you?

I don't know the answers...but this is what I do know. I know that even though I'm 33 years old, my age doesn't shield me from being treated like I was when I was 16. Whats worse, by someone I loved. Someone I risked more than I ever should have for. Maybe that's the point, I risked too much. I had something like this coming I guess. I learned the hard way. That seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life since the beginning.

It's strange how it can make you feel so empty, being disrespected. If you think about that word, its doesn't sting your ears as strong as the meaning behind that word should. When we think of words that last, that hurt, that you can't take back - you think of hate, and all the words that spider off it if. I never thought of disrespect as one. I do now.

In ways it's worse than hate. Hate, at least to me, is more honest. It's raw, there is no guessing how someone feels. Disrespect is a word that acts like a thief. In the beginning, it starts off as a promise of friendship, hope, even love at times. It can go years pretending, and then one day it steals it all back. What you held dear, just disappears. Worse than that is that when it is gone, it leaves you feeling empty and used.

Today was one of those days where being the bigger person, taking the higher road, feels terrible. I have always had a hard time seeing the difference between "taking the higher road" and being "walked on". If feels pretty much the same today. I choose to believe that it is the right thing to do, so I do it. My faith helps me hold on to the fact that my life is bigger than this, and it's my job to make the best of things that happen to me.

Not much to say except....

I'M STARVING. Survey says? I need to go to the grocery store to get more food. Healthy food. Boo! I hate being hungry and not having anything that qualifies for me to eat.

"If the past calls, don't answer. It has nothing new to say"

I know not everyone admits it, but the past catches up to them. In one way or the other, you will answer for the past mistakes you have made, or the past situations not answered, or the lack of drive to do things you should have. Well, that day was yesterday for me.

Is it possible for two people to stay passionately in love, forever? I ask because I am surrounded by people that constantly prove me wrong in my quest for it. I'm not saying I'm prefect in this, or that it is even easy. It's just interesting to me to watch people evolve around you. Drew has always said, from the day we were married, that women start off ready to fail. He calls it the "Lifetime Movie" effect. Has a nice ring to it right? Totally true. We grow up watching these movies and looking up the Princesses that have everything end up happily ever after. No wonder our husbands don't stand a chance!:)

I digress. My point of this is - at some point you have to make a call. Wrap up all the mistakes, the hurt, the anger, the unanswered questions, and destroy it. All the past will do is eat you alive. It's toxic, it's dangerous and it will find you. Be ready.

Back to the topic I meant to write about, day 3 of my clean diet. Today was harder than the rest. I was starting to get cocky, and so the universe put it right by showing me how NOT easy this was gonna be. I slipped today and had a Coke. Now, in my defense (and total excuse) my cheat day will be this Friday (date night with the hubby). I cleared it with him that we are not going to pizza or mexican. So, therefore, I will NOT be having soda on that day. So, I had it today. Not 5 minutes into that delicious drink, I had a killer headache. Ugh! By the end, I didn't even remember why I wanted it. What I did remember, is the fudge I have in the fridge downstairs! But, alas my dear friends, I did NOT succumb! Love the small victories! I even made a healthy dinner tonight for my family! ( I won't talk about how 2 hours later I was STARVING and I barely talked myself out of a McDonalds run. I settled for a bowl of Special K. SO not the same thing, or nearly as satisfying, but hey, I will be grateful at 5:30am when I hit the gym). Hoping tomorrow will feel a little better!

2012 - It has commenced!

Ok, so the clean eating has begun. Yesterday. Thanks right, I am already a day behind:) What is clean eating you ask? I have been asked that by quite a few people, so I should clarify that this is a term I use for myself, and probably improperly:) To me, its no more soda, virtually no sugar or breads, only good carbs, lots and lots of veggies and fruits. I am determined to make the $120 dollars Drew and I spend on Crossfit a month, worth it. Thats right, we spend that much on a Crossfit, but I will tell you what - it has been the best money we have ever spent. It has given us something in common that betters our lives. It also gives us some healthy competition:) Drew finally got the motivation to do it 3 months after I started because I was getting stronger than him! Haha! What husband can live with that? He is quickly catching up and will destroy me soon:)

So on to how this clean eating is going. First, I should have bought stock in Stride gum! I LIVE on it. It is my saving grace for keeping me off my sweets. Immediately after I eat, I stick a piece in. It seems to be doing the trick:) Yesterday, Drew and I both had headaches from the pop withdrawal. Yes that's right, I was finally addicted to the sauce. Its HARD to be off! I LOVE soda. Dang its sweet taste and burn! Oh well, my bones and teeth will thank me right? The food we are eating is pretty boring right now. I am guessing it will start to taste better after we eat it for a while. I have to gag down oatmeal in the morning, which I hate! Leaving behind me my delicious cereal.....*tear* I will miss it so.

We do get one cheat day a week, so I am looking forward to Friday night with my man! It gives me something to look forward to when I am gnawing on my carrots through the week. Bring on The Cheesecake Factory!

So this will be my journey. I am toying with the idea of posting a before and after picture. Really just to hold me accountable. We will see. Crossfit has transformed my body and I feel strong and empowered to stand along side men and hold my own. It's a great feeling:)!

I am going out with a friend tonight. It will be a massive challenge to eat clean, because we are going to none other than THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY! I will be strong:)!!

Terrible Two's

Not a very clever title I realize, but all the same true. The last week has been a blurred trail of every motion I can think of. I hear in my head all those people that said to me years ago with Makenzie (my now 5 year old) about how awful the 2's were going to be. So there I was, perched, ready, prepared. I read the books, too many books, Googled everything I could. I felt armored and totally brilliant. And.... I waited. The 3's came, and I waited. The 4's....more waiting. Really, I am still waiting. My armor has come down, my knowledge is now fuzzy, but none of that bothers me, because she is my miracle. In every sense of the word, she is my miracle.
I need to preface, that before anyone reading this starts to assume that I love one child more than the other, or think Makenzie can do no wrong - that is indeed not the case. She does naughty things sometimes. Years ago when she started doing those naughty things, I thought they were horribe things. I couldn't believe MY child would do these "things." It's amazing what a few years and an additional child (not to mention a BOY child) will do to gain you some clarity.
But, I digress. Lets fast forward to the present and skip the plesentries that were Makenzie's toddlerhood. I am writing this post today to air some dirty laundry about my motherhood experience with my son and daughter. I really just didn't know days could be this hard. I didn't know that this little being you carried for 9 LONG, HARD months, gained an insulting 50 pounds for, lost bladder control for, lost all sense of long or short term memory for - could look at you sometimes with that look in his eyes that makes me feel like he is just giving me the finger. (If indeed he could get those adorable chubby paws to do anything but hit his sister or pick up anything disgusting he sees:)) It's like working for a boss that constently looks at you when you ask him something, and JUST KEEPS STARING... as if not to give a flying banana about what you just said. Either that or throw his nameplate at your head.
Is it worth it? I know the polictically correct answer is yes. But some days, I really don't know. Tonight in writing this, I have gained a bit of clarity (also my children being in bed and it being silent for the first time all day:)). Do the terrible two's want to make you crawl under your bed and yell mercy at the top of your lungs? HOWDY YES. Do you wonder if you will ever make it out of the current day alive? Do you sometimes think of excuses to get away from them? Do you feel like you are in a match of WWW wrestling the tall you want to do is tap out, but your husband hasn't come home from work yet:)? ALL YES.
Let me tell you this though..... There are moments, sometimes just seconds, that you can breathe in deep and freeze it. You gain this ability as a mom, at least I have. Those beautiful seconds where you look over, while you are slaving away making dinner, and you see your two little ones playing ring around the rosey and you hear the sweetest laughter you have ever heard. You witness a pure and honest love and enjoyment of a brother and sister, that lasts you. You put this file in your head, so that all the other hours of the day you want to pull your hair out, you can remember this second, and love it. Love them. Heaven help me, with all my soul, I love them. My little Mason has been blessed with a rowdy spirit that will keep me on my toes that is for sure. But that rowdy spirit comes with a determination that I so admire. He is rough, he tumbles he gets hurt, but keeps going. All he needs is a kiss from mom where it hurt and off he goes again without so much as a tear.

He inspires me. My daughters spirit is so raw and visible. I adore that about her. She always knows what to say and when to say it, and keeps my exhausted soul hopeful and feeling genuinely loved . Mason though, he inspires me in much different way. Wouldn't it be amazing, if when I needed my Father, or Mother - all I needed to do was pray and feel that love from Them and it would keep me going. A knowledge that They are there for me, always to catch and get me back on my feet. What amazing faith and strength he has.

I will never understand why God has felt like I deserve such amazing spirits to watch over. What a huge responsibility. I can't imagine how much he loves them too, and misses them. I will cherish all the seconds I can....and the ones I just can't do anything but retreat? I will pull them back with me, and take a deep breathe and remember what happiness is around the corner.

Licking the gutter while still feeling the sun:)

That is what my last 2 hours was all about. My kids were LOOSING THEIR EVER-LOVIN MINDS tonight. Let me tell you about the day I had for them.
I woke up with them, made them a great breakfast, had their favorite Disney music playing all morning, and was cheerful and shiny to them. Now, if they only knew how Disney music is something I can usually get on board with if I am in a shiny mood, but all morning? I don't think so. Mommy doesn't love that. BUT, I do it:)
So, then we head over to Grandma #1's house to help her do some yard work. By yard work, I mean me, my mom, and sister do the yard work while our kiddos all play and do whatever fun they want. Then they get lunch made for them by Gma and then I take them home for a nice nap. After nap times, I have snacks ready for them and then we hop in the car and head to my Chiropractors (whom they love, no really, they do. He is great.) After that, we head to the hospital to see Grandpa #2. He just had his hip replaced. So they got to go and laugh with Gpa and get cookies after cookies from Grandma #2. Then home we went to go swimming in our pool with my kids best friends. Then they got to also come home with us for dinner.
Whew! Ok, it was a long day, but everything we did, they loved. Just writing it though was exhuasting:) So tonight I bathed them..... and then the devil appeared, IN BOTH OF THEM. I have never seen anything like it. We don't have tantrums in our house. Well, we NEVER did before Mason. He tries to pull them occasionally. They was a whole new level. It was to to the point that I pulled them out mid-bath and put them in their pjs, read a book to them while they weren't even listening and put them in the beds and walked out.
They were asleep 5 mins later. I mean REALLY?
I feel like its a step forward for me though, because before I would have totally shut down and gotten totally overwhelmed with that. Glad to say, it just felt like I was licking a gutter. It was awful... BUT, they sun was still out, and I knew tomorrow was just a good nights sleep away:)

Holy random post.... had to get it off my chest. Off to bed, I'm BEAT!