A little explanation please....

I feel like some explanation is due. In an effort to clarify my goal, I should say that I am attempting to write every day. With the Christmas season afoot, I will not delude myself into thinking that is going to happen, so I will agree with doing my best until the first of the year, and then I am off to the races. Also, the title of my blog begs for a little more insight.
I was laying in bed one night thinking about my life. I was looking in the dark corners I sometimes fear to admit are there. As I was peering in, I wondering why my life had so many that were hard to look at. Am I too hard on myself? Am I not hard enough? Do I need to hold myself more accountable, to higher standards? Within so many unanswered questions, I had "the" moment. You know, the moment you say to yourself "Ah-ha," and a little bit of light appears. Good or bad, you understand yourself a little bit better. What I understood about myself, is that I am my own Everest.
One might ask if that is a good or bad thing. To me, this is a bad thing. To me, it means I am this huge obstacle standing in my own way. To me, I am this looming battle I have yet to conquer. In bed that night, my heart became heavy because I didn't know what to do about it. I am only 30! This is not my life. At that moment, my epiphany came. I AM Everest. Just like that, the meaning changed. I am going to change my life. I am going to be someone unmovable, unshakable. I am going to be the rock others can lean on.
This new outlook filled me with hope, something I had been lacking. Each day I will look outside myself to find the beautiful - to be beautiful, on the inside (and maybe the outside will begin to match it).

Two thumbs up....

That is how I am going to rate my experiences of the day, two thumbs up, down or one of each. Today was a two thumbs up day. I started my day with a visit from two friends. One of which is someone I consider to be truly beautiful on the inside (and out). She is someone you look at and wish you could be more like. It left me feeling rejuvenated, which I needed and it was only 11am. This afternoon I got a peek into a world that I have long forgotten how it felt to be there. Now I am older and weighed down by things that shouldn't matter nearly as much as they do. My shoulders slump a little more, my eyes don't hide the worry I wished they would. Today, I was reminded there is a world I have forgotten, that if wanted bad enough, I could infuse a bit of that unbridled joy with my world. My 3 year old daughter danced tonight. By dance, I do mean all the right foot positions and arm movements....but I also mean DANCED. The raw joy I saw in her face tonight warmed my soul. She didn't care about what others around her thought, she didn't even care if the moves she did were correct. All she cared about is that she was having the time of her life, surrounded by people who loved her, gazing at her with pride. If I could be that happy with so little. Is it really that little? Really what else is there? Shouldn't we all be having the time of our life? Shouldn't we all be overjoyed that our loved ones are around us, however strained or intact the relationship might be? I came home tonight with a high, a high that didn't last as long as I had hoped. My doubt crept back in, my worry, my sadness. I don't know why or even what exactly I am worried or sad about... but it is my constant companion. Why is it a two thumbs up day then? My soul has been fed, my heard warmed a bit more and hope feels it has a good chance.... that is a good day!

So it begins....

Why start this blog? This last week my life began to make a shift. Maybe it is all the Christmas music, the snow, or the twinkling lights on every corner. Maybe it's the smiling faces you see come out once a year on people that during any other month would rather ignore you than talk to you. I think it has been a collimation of a few things that has brought me to this sobering point - I am a one way street.
Let me explain what that means to me. Even though I feel like all I do is give, give, give.... I really don't give anything of real worth. Don't get me wrong, I feel like I am a good, and on some days great, mother. I give to my kids my love, freely and so much that I am that good kind of empty at the end of the day. I love my husband, and in my mind and heart would do anything for him to lift his burdens or ease his load. I love my family. I love my church. I love my Savior. I know all of this. What I don't know is how I can change the way I do all of that. I want to do better, I want to BE better.
This blog is my way of holding myself accountable. I will write about my journey. I will write about the way I am bettering myself, my life, my kids, my marriage.... but most of all, how I can touch the lives of those around me and make a difference. Large or small, both of equal importance. Here we go......