You know those days where you think you should crawl back in, pull the covers so far over your head that maybe you could start even yesterday over? Today was that day.
My mommy cloak was already tattered when I rolled out of bed, but still full of helpful power I thought. I threw it on with cautious hope as I rose out bed early to the tune of my one year old chirping. It wasn't so bad, this early thing, I thought to myself - He is chirping and not crying, and I could hear that music all day long. Such a start to the morning, it seems impossible that in only the matter of 30 minutes, everything was able to shift.
It is my job as the mother, to set the tone of the house, at least for my children. Right or wrong, that is how I feel. Now, I come at that idea from a disadvantage because my mother was always putting her best joyful heart forward. Looking back, I really can only remember a small handful of times that my mother was crazy like I am on most of my days. What a thing to be said of a person. I would put that as my ideal to work towards, but if you ask my daughter, I am sure that is already shot.
So I long for this - My day that is filled with crying, falling, bruises, short naps, snotty noses, over-tiredness, not-sharing, running over fingers, burp up.....etc, this day that is filled with such chaos and the makings of what would rightly cause massive anxiety - that I may look back at this day and be 1. Thankful I was lucky enough to have it, 2. Strong enough to know that I CAN do again tomorrow, and most importantly 3. I am so blessed to have this ALL.
Tonight I knew, my soul knew, that I needed to go to Enrichment. My heart has had a dull ache for some time now. I realized that it wasn't my heart at all tonight, it was my soul. I have been so far away from what anchors me, that I got to the point of more than just wondering, that it had forgotten how to heal itself.
I have been so focused on what is going on in my little world with babies/toddlers/showers/cleaning that I have stopped looking outwards. To me that is when you open yourself up to all whole new level of blessings. To look around and help those that are struggling and aching just like me. My soul was crying out for the spirit to touch it, and tonight I was surrounded by it. All my ward sisters glowed of it, and it felt amazing to be in their presence.
My soul, torn from many weeks, maybe months of neglect, has been healed tonight by those that love the gospel as much as I do. I am so grateful I was prompted to go by such a dear friend. I love her with all my heart. She has been a blessing from God to me, and I will forever be grateful.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Reality
Reality hit me today. I have been inexcusably consumed with my life and it took an email today to shake me out of it. Why is it that you can't look at your life the way it should be? Why can't you look at your problems and say to yourself , "Really? You should be ashamed of yourself." A good slap in the face, a good gut check to make you realize that honestly, it can always get worse. The saying always got a bad rap in my mind. How is that sentence anything but depressing? Things can always get worse. I have a new spin on it now.
A person whom I love very much, is dying. She is young, she is beautiful and she is above all this torture she is made to bear in this life. Her and I were college roommates. She is the type of girl you look at and think, she has it all. She has the looks, the hair, the skin, the family.... all of it. And with all of it, of course came the boys, so she had that too. She is the kind of girl that makes all girls fall into line... the line of no liking someone like that. Yes it's true, girls are shallow and shockingly unforgiving when someone in their pool is that blessed. Here's the kicker, you could never not-LOVE her. I mean never. Her personality was so amazing, funny, caring, loyal. Growing up knowing her, she was always sweet and kind. I didn't really get to know her though until many years later.
I felt so blessed that she was willing to be my roommate. Honestly, I was really shocked too. I thought, why would she want to room with me? I have nothing to build up the stats in our favor like she did for us. I felt I wasn't nearly as blessed in overall artificial life like she was. That being said, we moved in together anyways.
I will tell you what I learned about her. Her spirit seemed untouched by all the years on this Earth. It seemed to literally sparkly though her eyes. In all the time I spent with her, I have never once seen her unkind. You hear people saying that about those they know, I never believed them. I believe them now. I know of one too. She was and is one of the most special people I have ever met.
Now, she is riddled with this unwelcome guest that is taking her away from us. To watch her, never complaining, crying, or making excuses, you would never know what a toll this is taking on her. She now has a family, a husband, two beautiful girls - and now what? With my own Father being taken from me when I was younger, for many years all I thought is how hard it was on us. How hard it was on our family, my mom. Now, a mother, I ache for her. I weep knowing how I would feel being forced to leave my children before I could see them graduate, get married or have kids of there own.
She is so strong and beautiful. If I had one explanation for all this that actually made sense it would be this - She is too good for us now. She has been in this world for long enough and her radiant spirit aches to go home. I hope for my sake, and all those who love her, that she is with us for many, many years to come. Selfishness aside, she would be welcomed with open arms and with a Father that is so proud of her and has missed her immensely. How could we be sad? She has blessed us, she has blessed me. I love you Jennie.
A person whom I love very much, is dying. She is young, she is beautiful and she is above all this torture she is made to bear in this life. Her and I were college roommates. She is the type of girl you look at and think, she has it all. She has the looks, the hair, the skin, the family.... all of it. And with all of it, of course came the boys, so she had that too. She is the kind of girl that makes all girls fall into line... the line of no liking someone like that. Yes it's true, girls are shallow and shockingly unforgiving when someone in their pool is that blessed. Here's the kicker, you could never not-LOVE her. I mean never. Her personality was so amazing, funny, caring, loyal. Growing up knowing her, she was always sweet and kind. I didn't really get to know her though until many years later.
I felt so blessed that she was willing to be my roommate. Honestly, I was really shocked too. I thought, why would she want to room with me? I have nothing to build up the stats in our favor like she did for us. I felt I wasn't nearly as blessed in overall artificial life like she was. That being said, we moved in together anyways.
I will tell you what I learned about her. Her spirit seemed untouched by all the years on this Earth. It seemed to literally sparkly though her eyes. In all the time I spent with her, I have never once seen her unkind. You hear people saying that about those they know, I never believed them. I believe them now. I know of one too. She was and is one of the most special people I have ever met.
Now, she is riddled with this unwelcome guest that is taking her away from us. To watch her, never complaining, crying, or making excuses, you would never know what a toll this is taking on her. She now has a family, a husband, two beautiful girls - and now what? With my own Father being taken from me when I was younger, for many years all I thought is how hard it was on us. How hard it was on our family, my mom. Now, a mother, I ache for her. I weep knowing how I would feel being forced to leave my children before I could see them graduate, get married or have kids of there own.
She is so strong and beautiful. If I had one explanation for all this that actually made sense it would be this - She is too good for us now. She has been in this world for long enough and her radiant spirit aches to go home. I hope for my sake, and all those who love her, that she is with us for many, many years to come. Selfishness aside, she would be welcomed with open arms and with a Father that is so proud of her and has missed her immensely. How could we be sad? She has blessed us, she has blessed me. I love you Jennie.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Lost
Have you ever heard the song by Colin Haye "Waiting for my real life to begin"? I am having a particularly sad day. The sun is outside shining but my soul is intensely cold. The light begs to touch my skin, but I can not find it in me today to reach out for it.
As I hear these words, waiting for my real life to begin, the tears just swell up. Unexpected and unwelcome, I can't seem to stop, as much as I hate them. I find myself disgusted that I am relating to this song. What do I have to possibly complain about?
Hate me or love me, I am lost. I am alone. I am surrounded by people who love me, and I feel alone. Or maybe abandoned. I am not sure who abandoned who, me to my life or my life to me. I think that is why this song has hit me today. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend.... yet I don't know who I am. I look in the mirror and wonder how I got here.
Everyday I see my precious little girl who I love more than life growing further away from me. I still see this little face looking up at me that use to need and want me more than anything in the world. A girl I laughed with, spent all my time with and looked forward to seeing every morning. As I look at her through cloudy eyes, I notice her eyes have changed for me. What saddens me the most, is they have changed for only me. The unconditional love she shares with almost anyone - doesn't seem to even trickle over to me. Our days are now filled with directions, frustration, explanations, or punishments. I hate myself for the way I have become, and not just with her.
I use to be full of life and happiness. The only thing I see looking back at me now is someone so heavy with sorrows, worry, disappointment and a lack of drive. Who is that person? What the hell is she doing looking back at me? I never wanted this, I never wanted her.
Bring me back to a place where I can smile at the sun, dance like I am great, and laugh like everything brings me a silly happiness. Please don't let me be this person I see. Please don't let Makenzie see it. I want so much more for her. I don't want her to be anything like me. I have screwed up so many times, in so many ways. If I could wish one thing for her, is that God would grant her the foresight that I don't have. To see that there is some grand master plan and that we aren't alone. That the little things are just that....little. I wish she would see the world that I would see for her.
My heart aches, and I am weak. I need some rest. I need to pull from the dust the person that others say they see, or use to. I remember a story I heard in church about the pioneers as the crossed the plains. It was the dead of winter, middle of a huge wind storm. Here these simple people are pulling these impossibly heavy wooden hand carts through the snow with thin straps of leather on their feet. Their babies were dying, and loved ones were forced to leave them behind. What did these people do? THEY KEPT GOING. In a picture I saw that depicted this, you seem them crippled over pushing with everything they had left...... and next to them - angels were helping them push. Right along side next to them, pushing with all their might and strength.
I need my angel.
As I hear these words, waiting for my real life to begin, the tears just swell up. Unexpected and unwelcome, I can't seem to stop, as much as I hate them. I find myself disgusted that I am relating to this song. What do I have to possibly complain about?
Hate me or love me, I am lost. I am alone. I am surrounded by people who love me, and I feel alone. Or maybe abandoned. I am not sure who abandoned who, me to my life or my life to me. I think that is why this song has hit me today. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend.... yet I don't know who I am. I look in the mirror and wonder how I got here.
Everyday I see my precious little girl who I love more than life growing further away from me. I still see this little face looking up at me that use to need and want me more than anything in the world. A girl I laughed with, spent all my time with and looked forward to seeing every morning. As I look at her through cloudy eyes, I notice her eyes have changed for me. What saddens me the most, is they have changed for only me. The unconditional love she shares with almost anyone - doesn't seem to even trickle over to me. Our days are now filled with directions, frustration, explanations, or punishments. I hate myself for the way I have become, and not just with her.
I use to be full of life and happiness. The only thing I see looking back at me now is someone so heavy with sorrows, worry, disappointment and a lack of drive. Who is that person? What the hell is she doing looking back at me? I never wanted this, I never wanted her.
Bring me back to a place where I can smile at the sun, dance like I am great, and laugh like everything brings me a silly happiness. Please don't let me be this person I see. Please don't let Makenzie see it. I want so much more for her. I don't want her to be anything like me. I have screwed up so many times, in so many ways. If I could wish one thing for her, is that God would grant her the foresight that I don't have. To see that there is some grand master plan and that we aren't alone. That the little things are just that....little. I wish she would see the world that I would see for her.
My heart aches, and I am weak. I need some rest. I need to pull from the dust the person that others say they see, or use to. I remember a story I heard in church about the pioneers as the crossed the plains. It was the dead of winter, middle of a huge wind storm. Here these simple people are pulling these impossibly heavy wooden hand carts through the snow with thin straps of leather on their feet. Their babies were dying, and loved ones were forced to leave them behind. What did these people do? THEY KEPT GOING. In a picture I saw that depicted this, you seem them crippled over pushing with everything they had left...... and next to them - angels were helping them push. Right along side next to them, pushing with all their might and strength.
I need my angel.
Monday, January 11, 2010
A day amongst the forgotten....
I was blessed the other night to witness a session of pet therapy. No, not the kind you take your hurt pet to. This is the kind you take your pet, to those that are hurting. I am in the process of making my dog Stanley "pet therapy ready" so I can do these visits myself. This night though, I was just an observer.
As I walked in this assisted living home my nose was blasted with what I describe as the smell of hopelessness. The lighting was all wrong for a place like this, the carpet old and antiquated. I felt as though I had to blink a few times to get my eyes to focus because of the strange light. From the front desk the halls spider-ed leading to the bedrooms. I could see numerous nurse staff walking around, plenty it seemed that those that needed some extra care and attention could have it. Amongst them were the residents. It almost looked like two episodes of the same TV show were playing, one with the residents, and one with the staff. They were all walking the same hallways, but they weren't interacting with each other. They would just float past each other. It was strange really, I wasn't expecting that. In a rehab facility maybe, the patients were never there very long - but here, these people were living here full time. Full time! The residents here had no other family to surround them, so they were left to the mercy of the staff, for better or worse.
We started our rounds, down one hallway after the next. I would look at the plaques on the doors where there name was taped on. Taped on as if mocking them in their face that no one was fooled by one calling this their "home." Everyone knew it was temporary. Everyone would leave, one way or another. By their names was either a paw print or not. That is how we knew if they were "pet friendly." I remember thinking what a weird way to think of another human being. Hotels were pet friendly, parks were pet friendly....not another human being. When we were sure they would even want the option to visit with our dog, we popped our heads in asking if they wanted to visit with our dog tonight.
The rooms were mediocre, at best. I say that because if I were wanting to stay in them for a few nights, like a motel, that would be fine. But these people live here. This is there HOME. Most were the size of a small master bedroom, with no separate bathroom. The bathroom was a part of the room. The lighting was that same yellow/dim light that makes your eyes hurt. What caught my eye the most, were the walls. The walls were covered in what I could only guess were what they loved most. Pictures of their loved ones, paintings, a cross-stitched cat in a flower vase probably done by a granddaughter. I loved looking at it all, seeing what makes them happy. The saucy older ladies would have pictures of themselves 50 years ago, in their "prime", out on the town. The feisty older men would have framed metals from the war or pictures of their young brides. I smiled as I saw each one, warming my heart for the person we were about to visit.
The residents that were "pet-friendly" weren't always "people-friendly." It was amazing to watch them look at you with such vacancy, and then your pup lays his head in their lap and they come alive. The conversation starts to flow between them, only sometimes verbally. I found myself wishing I could be a part of that friendship, knowing how to communicate on such a non-threatening level. The joy that came across there face was almost painful. Painful in a way that behind their eyes was a truth that this particular visitor, the dog, was the most love they would feel come this time in their lives. It was brutally honest, and beautiful all in one.
Leaving that night I was so mixed with emotion. Love, hate, sadness, embarrassment. Mostly love, but tailed tightly by embarrassment. How could we, as a society, forget these people. How could their loved ones put them here and just forget about them. I know that there are always exceptions to what I seem to be generalizing. There are those families that had no other choice, that age or debilitating disease has made the choice for them, and they just can't take care of that person any more. There are those that love that person so much, and come to visit them daily, bringing them food and doing their laundry. I applaud those people, they are carving their place in heaven. To those that are not the exception though - shame on you.
These older souls are ones that should be cherished, loved and certainly learned from. I left that night with a new drive to do what I can for those that can't do it for themselves, to have more patience with the little old lady driving in front of me with the gray hair that can barely see over the dashboard, to look under the unforgiving wrinkles and relentless loss of age - to learn. I will learn whatever they grace me with durning these visits. And when I am not open enough for them, I pray that my dog might give them the love and peace they are searching for, and more than deserve.
As I walked in this assisted living home my nose was blasted with what I describe as the smell of hopelessness. The lighting was all wrong for a place like this, the carpet old and antiquated. I felt as though I had to blink a few times to get my eyes to focus because of the strange light. From the front desk the halls spider-ed leading to the bedrooms. I could see numerous nurse staff walking around, plenty it seemed that those that needed some extra care and attention could have it. Amongst them were the residents. It almost looked like two episodes of the same TV show were playing, one with the residents, and one with the staff. They were all walking the same hallways, but they weren't interacting with each other. They would just float past each other. It was strange really, I wasn't expecting that. In a rehab facility maybe, the patients were never there very long - but here, these people were living here full time. Full time! The residents here had no other family to surround them, so they were left to the mercy of the staff, for better or worse.
We started our rounds, down one hallway after the next. I would look at the plaques on the doors where there name was taped on. Taped on as if mocking them in their face that no one was fooled by one calling this their "home." Everyone knew it was temporary. Everyone would leave, one way or another. By their names was either a paw print or not. That is how we knew if they were "pet friendly." I remember thinking what a weird way to think of another human being. Hotels were pet friendly, parks were pet friendly....not another human being. When we were sure they would even want the option to visit with our dog, we popped our heads in asking if they wanted to visit with our dog tonight.
The rooms were mediocre, at best. I say that because if I were wanting to stay in them for a few nights, like a motel, that would be fine. But these people live here. This is there HOME. Most were the size of a small master bedroom, with no separate bathroom. The bathroom was a part of the room. The lighting was that same yellow/dim light that makes your eyes hurt. What caught my eye the most, were the walls. The walls were covered in what I could only guess were what they loved most. Pictures of their loved ones, paintings, a cross-stitched cat in a flower vase probably done by a granddaughter. I loved looking at it all, seeing what makes them happy. The saucy older ladies would have pictures of themselves 50 years ago, in their "prime", out on the town. The feisty older men would have framed metals from the war or pictures of their young brides. I smiled as I saw each one, warming my heart for the person we were about to visit.
The residents that were "pet-friendly" weren't always "people-friendly." It was amazing to watch them look at you with such vacancy, and then your pup lays his head in their lap and they come alive. The conversation starts to flow between them, only sometimes verbally. I found myself wishing I could be a part of that friendship, knowing how to communicate on such a non-threatening level. The joy that came across there face was almost painful. Painful in a way that behind their eyes was a truth that this particular visitor, the dog, was the most love they would feel come this time in their lives. It was brutally honest, and beautiful all in one.
Leaving that night I was so mixed with emotion. Love, hate, sadness, embarrassment. Mostly love, but tailed tightly by embarrassment. How could we, as a society, forget these people. How could their loved ones put them here and just forget about them. I know that there are always exceptions to what I seem to be generalizing. There are those families that had no other choice, that age or debilitating disease has made the choice for them, and they just can't take care of that person any more. There are those that love that person so much, and come to visit them daily, bringing them food and doing their laundry. I applaud those people, they are carving their place in heaven. To those that are not the exception though - shame on you.
These older souls are ones that should be cherished, loved and certainly learned from. I left that night with a new drive to do what I can for those that can't do it for themselves, to have more patience with the little old lady driving in front of me with the gray hair that can barely see over the dashboard, to look under the unforgiving wrinkles and relentless loss of age - to learn. I will learn whatever they grace me with durning these visits. And when I am not open enough for them, I pray that my dog might give them the love and peace they are searching for, and more than deserve.
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