I sat next to my 4 year old tonight in bed reading her "The Kissing Hand". For those of you who haven't read it, it is one you will not want to miss out on. The last page came, when the son reached up to his moms hand and kissed her palm, and I teared up. My daughter reached over to me, grabbed my hand and kissed my palm. She looked at me with those sweet tender eyes and just smiled. She knows I need that.
The day will come when I will curl my fingers tightly around that kiss and remember when she was right next to me and ache to have these days back. That is what brought me to tears. How lucky I am to have this moment.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Gratitude
I spoke this Sunday on gratitude. It was such a spiritual day for me. I really needed to learn the things I did from studying this subject. I feel it has changed my direction in life for the better and given me a new sense of happiness. I wanted to share a few quotes I found for my talk as I found them incredibly powerful:
“If you own just one Bible, you are abundantly blessed, one-third of the world does not have access to even one. If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than a million who will not survive the week. If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of five million people around the world. If you attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest or death, you are more blessed that almost three billion people in the world. If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, roof over your head and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet and spare change in a dish someplace, you are among the top 8% of the world’s wealthy. If your parents are still married and alive, you are very rare. If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful, you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not. If you can hold someone’s hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder, you are blessed because you can offer God’s healing touch. If you prayed yesterday and today, you are in the minority because you believe in God’s willingness to hear and answer prayer. If you believe in Jesus as the Son of God, you are part of a very small minority in the world. If you can read this message, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read anything at all.”
What if God decided to stop blessing us?
JUST THINK….
What if
God couldn’t take the time to bless us today because
we couldn’t take the time to thank Him yesterday?
What if
God decided to stop leading us tomorrow because
we did not follow Him today?
What if
we never saw another flower bloom because
we grumbled when God sent the rain?
What if
God didn’t walk with us today because
we failed to recognize it as His day?
What if
God took away the Bible tomorrow because
we would not read it today?
What if
God took away His message because
we failed to listen to His messenger?
What if
the door of the church was closed because
we did not open the door of our heart?
What if
God stopped loving and caring for us because
we failed to love and care for others?
What if
God would not hear us today because
we would not listen to Him yesterday?
What if
God answered our prayers the way
we answer His call for service?
What if
God met our needs the way
we give Him our lives?
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Add on...
Some more goals:
12. Get organized
- Church calling: YW 1st couselor
- Recipe cupboard.... ORGANIZE and SIMPLIFY!!!!
- Junk drawer ...DONE!!! Just did it today! Yeah:)
**Side Note**
Want to know how dumb my brain is sometimes:)? So I have contractors in my crawl space today (and the whole last week) putting in the sump pump. Walking downstairs to the kitchen I actually found myself walking quietly because I didn't want the people in the crawl space to think "Daaang, that girl must be huge with all the stomping around she does". LOL, I am lame:)
12. Get organized
- Church calling: YW 1st couselor
- Recipe cupboard.... ORGANIZE and SIMPLIFY!!!!
- Junk drawer ...DONE!!! Just did it today! Yeah:)
**Side Note**
Want to know how dumb my brain is sometimes:)? So I have contractors in my crawl space today (and the whole last week) putting in the sump pump. Walking downstairs to the kitchen I actually found myself walking quietly because I didn't want the people in the crawl space to think "Daaang, that girl must be huge with all the stomping around she does". LOL, I am lame:)
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
New Years, New Me
I know its cliche, but it's that time of year when I try and change myself again. I love this time of year, even though at the end of any particular year it seems to finish with the incompleteness of some (ok usually many) of my goals, I still feel good. I feel good because this time of year gives me a new sense of purpose and a new sense of hope. Both of these things are in low supply in my life right now, so it is welcomed with open arms. Why you ask? My life is filled with many amazing things and people and I have loads to be thankful for - this is just me, and I have a hard time finding the happy in it all sometimes.
So - January, here you are and I am ready for you. I am sick of being tired, bored, unfunny, unhappy, etc. I am not all these things all the time, but I don't want to be any or them, ANY OF THE TIME. Weird sentence, just stay with me....
I feel like if I let people read this blog, it will help me be accountable. I have kept this blog quiet because it was really just for me. A place for me to write (which I love and have stopped doing. Again - annoying). A place I wouldn't be judged for what I said or thought. So leave your judgment shoes at the door please:)
With that said, with the first post of the new year I am going to write my New Years Resolutions. That's right, I do them - or at least I set them:) I have high hopes of doing all of them, but it's in the journey and I embrace it.
1. Complete my 3 month supply of food storage by my birthday (May)
2. Read scriptures with my family at least 5 days a week (that's right, we don't do it everyday - this is all about honesty here)
3. Make a yummy/healthy dinner for my family at least 4 nights a week ( I am not much of a cook and I have totally failed my husband and kids...NO MORE:))
4. Write in this blog at least 3 times a week with things that inspire me
5. Lose 10 pounds
6. Be more kind and more forgiving
7. Become silly again
8. Do something kind for someone in need once a week
9. Family Night once a week (this being either FHE or another night with just our family)
10. Make Memories
11. Go to Disneyland with Drew and fall in love all over again:)
So, that is what I have right now. I reserve the right to add some later or alter a bit if I find something works a little better for me. Let the ride begin:)
So - January, here you are and I am ready for you. I am sick of being tired, bored, unfunny, unhappy, etc. I am not all these things all the time, but I don't want to be any or them, ANY OF THE TIME. Weird sentence, just stay with me....
I feel like if I let people read this blog, it will help me be accountable. I have kept this blog quiet because it was really just for me. A place for me to write (which I love and have stopped doing. Again - annoying). A place I wouldn't be judged for what I said or thought. So leave your judgment shoes at the door please:)
With that said, with the first post of the new year I am going to write my New Years Resolutions. That's right, I do them - or at least I set them:) I have high hopes of doing all of them, but it's in the journey and I embrace it.
1. Complete my 3 month supply of food storage by my birthday (May)
2. Read scriptures with my family at least 5 days a week (that's right, we don't do it everyday - this is all about honesty here)
3. Make a yummy/healthy dinner for my family at least 4 nights a week ( I am not much of a cook and I have totally failed my husband and kids...NO MORE:))
4. Write in this blog at least 3 times a week with things that inspire me
5. Lose 10 pounds
6. Be more kind and more forgiving
7. Become silly again
8. Do something kind for someone in need once a week
9. Family Night once a week (this being either FHE or another night with just our family)
10. Make Memories
11. Go to Disneyland with Drew and fall in love all over again:)
So, that is what I have right now. I reserve the right to add some later or alter a bit if I find something works a little better for me. Let the ride begin:)
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Soul Healing
You know those days where you think you should crawl back in, pull the covers so far over your head that maybe you could start even yesterday over? Today was that day.
My mommy cloak was already tattered when I rolled out of bed, but still full of helpful power I thought. I threw it on with cautious hope as I rose out bed early to the tune of my one year old chirping. It wasn't so bad, this early thing, I thought to myself - He is chirping and not crying, and I could hear that music all day long. Such a start to the morning, it seems impossible that in only the matter of 30 minutes, everything was able to shift.
It is my job as the mother, to set the tone of the house, at least for my children. Right or wrong, that is how I feel. Now, I come at that idea from a disadvantage because my mother was always putting her best joyful heart forward. Looking back, I really can only remember a small handful of times that my mother was crazy like I am on most of my days. What a thing to be said of a person. I would put that as my ideal to work towards, but if you ask my daughter, I am sure that is already shot.
So I long for this - My day that is filled with crying, falling, bruises, short naps, snotty noses, over-tiredness, not-sharing, running over fingers, burp up.....etc, this day that is filled with such chaos and the makings of what would rightly cause massive anxiety - that I may look back at this day and be 1. Thankful I was lucky enough to have it, 2. Strong enough to know that I CAN do again tomorrow, and most importantly 3. I am so blessed to have this ALL.
Tonight I knew, my soul knew, that I needed to go to Enrichment. My heart has had a dull ache for some time now. I realized that it wasn't my heart at all tonight, it was my soul. I have been so far away from what anchors me, that I got to the point of more than just wondering, that it had forgotten how to heal itself.
I have been so focused on what is going on in my little world with babies/toddlers/showers/cleaning that I have stopped looking outwards. To me that is when you open yourself up to all whole new level of blessings. To look around and help those that are struggling and aching just like me. My soul was crying out for the spirit to touch it, and tonight I was surrounded by it. All my ward sisters glowed of it, and it felt amazing to be in their presence.
My soul, torn from many weeks, maybe months of neglect, has been healed tonight by those that love the gospel as much as I do. I am so grateful I was prompted to go by such a dear friend. I love her with all my heart. She has been a blessing from God to me, and I will forever be grateful.
My mommy cloak was already tattered when I rolled out of bed, but still full of helpful power I thought. I threw it on with cautious hope as I rose out bed early to the tune of my one year old chirping. It wasn't so bad, this early thing, I thought to myself - He is chirping and not crying, and I could hear that music all day long. Such a start to the morning, it seems impossible that in only the matter of 30 minutes, everything was able to shift.
It is my job as the mother, to set the tone of the house, at least for my children. Right or wrong, that is how I feel. Now, I come at that idea from a disadvantage because my mother was always putting her best joyful heart forward. Looking back, I really can only remember a small handful of times that my mother was crazy like I am on most of my days. What a thing to be said of a person. I would put that as my ideal to work towards, but if you ask my daughter, I am sure that is already shot.
So I long for this - My day that is filled with crying, falling, bruises, short naps, snotty noses, over-tiredness, not-sharing, running over fingers, burp up.....etc, this day that is filled with such chaos and the makings of what would rightly cause massive anxiety - that I may look back at this day and be 1. Thankful I was lucky enough to have it, 2. Strong enough to know that I CAN do again tomorrow, and most importantly 3. I am so blessed to have this ALL.
Tonight I knew, my soul knew, that I needed to go to Enrichment. My heart has had a dull ache for some time now. I realized that it wasn't my heart at all tonight, it was my soul. I have been so far away from what anchors me, that I got to the point of more than just wondering, that it had forgotten how to heal itself.
I have been so focused on what is going on in my little world with babies/toddlers/showers/cleaning that I have stopped looking outwards. To me that is when you open yourself up to all whole new level of blessings. To look around and help those that are struggling and aching just like me. My soul was crying out for the spirit to touch it, and tonight I was surrounded by it. All my ward sisters glowed of it, and it felt amazing to be in their presence.
My soul, torn from many weeks, maybe months of neglect, has been healed tonight by those that love the gospel as much as I do. I am so grateful I was prompted to go by such a dear friend. I love her with all my heart. She has been a blessing from God to me, and I will forever be grateful.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Reality
Reality hit me today. I have been inexcusably consumed with my life and it took an email today to shake me out of it. Why is it that you can't look at your life the way it should be? Why can't you look at your problems and say to yourself , "Really? You should be ashamed of yourself." A good slap in the face, a good gut check to make you realize that honestly, it can always get worse. The saying always got a bad rap in my mind. How is that sentence anything but depressing? Things can always get worse. I have a new spin on it now.
A person whom I love very much, is dying. She is young, she is beautiful and she is above all this torture she is made to bear in this life. Her and I were college roommates. She is the type of girl you look at and think, she has it all. She has the looks, the hair, the skin, the family.... all of it. And with all of it, of course came the boys, so she had that too. She is the kind of girl that makes all girls fall into line... the line of no liking someone like that. Yes it's true, girls are shallow and shockingly unforgiving when someone in their pool is that blessed. Here's the kicker, you could never not-LOVE her. I mean never. Her personality was so amazing, funny, caring, loyal. Growing up knowing her, she was always sweet and kind. I didn't really get to know her though until many years later.
I felt so blessed that she was willing to be my roommate. Honestly, I was really shocked too. I thought, why would she want to room with me? I have nothing to build up the stats in our favor like she did for us. I felt I wasn't nearly as blessed in overall artificial life like she was. That being said, we moved in together anyways.
I will tell you what I learned about her. Her spirit seemed untouched by all the years on this Earth. It seemed to literally sparkly though her eyes. In all the time I spent with her, I have never once seen her unkind. You hear people saying that about those they know, I never believed them. I believe them now. I know of one too. She was and is one of the most special people I have ever met.
Now, she is riddled with this unwelcome guest that is taking her away from us. To watch her, never complaining, crying, or making excuses, you would never know what a toll this is taking on her. She now has a family, a husband, two beautiful girls - and now what? With my own Father being taken from me when I was younger, for many years all I thought is how hard it was on us. How hard it was on our family, my mom. Now, a mother, I ache for her. I weep knowing how I would feel being forced to leave my children before I could see them graduate, get married or have kids of there own.
She is so strong and beautiful. If I had one explanation for all this that actually made sense it would be this - She is too good for us now. She has been in this world for long enough and her radiant spirit aches to go home. I hope for my sake, and all those who love her, that she is with us for many, many years to come. Selfishness aside, she would be welcomed with open arms and with a Father that is so proud of her and has missed her immensely. How could we be sad? She has blessed us, she has blessed me. I love you Jennie.
A person whom I love very much, is dying. She is young, she is beautiful and she is above all this torture she is made to bear in this life. Her and I were college roommates. She is the type of girl you look at and think, she has it all. She has the looks, the hair, the skin, the family.... all of it. And with all of it, of course came the boys, so she had that too. She is the kind of girl that makes all girls fall into line... the line of no liking someone like that. Yes it's true, girls are shallow and shockingly unforgiving when someone in their pool is that blessed. Here's the kicker, you could never not-LOVE her. I mean never. Her personality was so amazing, funny, caring, loyal. Growing up knowing her, she was always sweet and kind. I didn't really get to know her though until many years later.
I felt so blessed that she was willing to be my roommate. Honestly, I was really shocked too. I thought, why would she want to room with me? I have nothing to build up the stats in our favor like she did for us. I felt I wasn't nearly as blessed in overall artificial life like she was. That being said, we moved in together anyways.
I will tell you what I learned about her. Her spirit seemed untouched by all the years on this Earth. It seemed to literally sparkly though her eyes. In all the time I spent with her, I have never once seen her unkind. You hear people saying that about those they know, I never believed them. I believe them now. I know of one too. She was and is one of the most special people I have ever met.
Now, she is riddled with this unwelcome guest that is taking her away from us. To watch her, never complaining, crying, or making excuses, you would never know what a toll this is taking on her. She now has a family, a husband, two beautiful girls - and now what? With my own Father being taken from me when I was younger, for many years all I thought is how hard it was on us. How hard it was on our family, my mom. Now, a mother, I ache for her. I weep knowing how I would feel being forced to leave my children before I could see them graduate, get married or have kids of there own.
She is so strong and beautiful. If I had one explanation for all this that actually made sense it would be this - She is too good for us now. She has been in this world for long enough and her radiant spirit aches to go home. I hope for my sake, and all those who love her, that she is with us for many, many years to come. Selfishness aside, she would be welcomed with open arms and with a Father that is so proud of her and has missed her immensely. How could we be sad? She has blessed us, she has blessed me. I love you Jennie.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Lost
Have you ever heard the song by Colin Haye "Waiting for my real life to begin"? I am having a particularly sad day. The sun is outside shining but my soul is intensely cold. The light begs to touch my skin, but I can not find it in me today to reach out for it.
As I hear these words, waiting for my real life to begin, the tears just swell up. Unexpected and unwelcome, I can't seem to stop, as much as I hate them. I find myself disgusted that I am relating to this song. What do I have to possibly complain about?
Hate me or love me, I am lost. I am alone. I am surrounded by people who love me, and I feel alone. Or maybe abandoned. I am not sure who abandoned who, me to my life or my life to me. I think that is why this song has hit me today. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend.... yet I don't know who I am. I look in the mirror and wonder how I got here.
Everyday I see my precious little girl who I love more than life growing further away from me. I still see this little face looking up at me that use to need and want me more than anything in the world. A girl I laughed with, spent all my time with and looked forward to seeing every morning. As I look at her through cloudy eyes, I notice her eyes have changed for me. What saddens me the most, is they have changed for only me. The unconditional love she shares with almost anyone - doesn't seem to even trickle over to me. Our days are now filled with directions, frustration, explanations, or punishments. I hate myself for the way I have become, and not just with her.
I use to be full of life and happiness. The only thing I see looking back at me now is someone so heavy with sorrows, worry, disappointment and a lack of drive. Who is that person? What the hell is she doing looking back at me? I never wanted this, I never wanted her.
Bring me back to a place where I can smile at the sun, dance like I am great, and laugh like everything brings me a silly happiness. Please don't let me be this person I see. Please don't let Makenzie see it. I want so much more for her. I don't want her to be anything like me. I have screwed up so many times, in so many ways. If I could wish one thing for her, is that God would grant her the foresight that I don't have. To see that there is some grand master plan and that we aren't alone. That the little things are just that....little. I wish she would see the world that I would see for her.
My heart aches, and I am weak. I need some rest. I need to pull from the dust the person that others say they see, or use to. I remember a story I heard in church about the pioneers as the crossed the plains. It was the dead of winter, middle of a huge wind storm. Here these simple people are pulling these impossibly heavy wooden hand carts through the snow with thin straps of leather on their feet. Their babies were dying, and loved ones were forced to leave them behind. What did these people do? THEY KEPT GOING. In a picture I saw that depicted this, you seem them crippled over pushing with everything they had left...... and next to them - angels were helping them push. Right along side next to them, pushing with all their might and strength.
I need my angel.
As I hear these words, waiting for my real life to begin, the tears just swell up. Unexpected and unwelcome, I can't seem to stop, as much as I hate them. I find myself disgusted that I am relating to this song. What do I have to possibly complain about?
Hate me or love me, I am lost. I am alone. I am surrounded by people who love me, and I feel alone. Or maybe abandoned. I am not sure who abandoned who, me to my life or my life to me. I think that is why this song has hit me today. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend.... yet I don't know who I am. I look in the mirror and wonder how I got here.
Everyday I see my precious little girl who I love more than life growing further away from me. I still see this little face looking up at me that use to need and want me more than anything in the world. A girl I laughed with, spent all my time with and looked forward to seeing every morning. As I look at her through cloudy eyes, I notice her eyes have changed for me. What saddens me the most, is they have changed for only me. The unconditional love she shares with almost anyone - doesn't seem to even trickle over to me. Our days are now filled with directions, frustration, explanations, or punishments. I hate myself for the way I have become, and not just with her.
I use to be full of life and happiness. The only thing I see looking back at me now is someone so heavy with sorrows, worry, disappointment and a lack of drive. Who is that person? What the hell is she doing looking back at me? I never wanted this, I never wanted her.
Bring me back to a place where I can smile at the sun, dance like I am great, and laugh like everything brings me a silly happiness. Please don't let me be this person I see. Please don't let Makenzie see it. I want so much more for her. I don't want her to be anything like me. I have screwed up so many times, in so many ways. If I could wish one thing for her, is that God would grant her the foresight that I don't have. To see that there is some grand master plan and that we aren't alone. That the little things are just that....little. I wish she would see the world that I would see for her.
My heart aches, and I am weak. I need some rest. I need to pull from the dust the person that others say they see, or use to. I remember a story I heard in church about the pioneers as the crossed the plains. It was the dead of winter, middle of a huge wind storm. Here these simple people are pulling these impossibly heavy wooden hand carts through the snow with thin straps of leather on their feet. Their babies were dying, and loved ones were forced to leave them behind. What did these people do? THEY KEPT GOING. In a picture I saw that depicted this, you seem them crippled over pushing with everything they had left...... and next to them - angels were helping them push. Right along side next to them, pushing with all their might and strength.
I need my angel.
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