I was thinking.....

I heard a song the other day that made me start thinking.  The line that sunk deep was "don't look inside too deep cuz thats where my demons like to hide."  I got to thinking about how truly crazy it is that no one in this life will truly know what you think inside the  darkest, most hidden places of your mind and soul.  Now this is neither good nor bad, or maybe it is good AND bad.  Either way, an observation that made me contemplate myself - and others.
My brother turned 40 this year.  FOURTY!  I am sure that is not lost on him either.  To me it wasn't that he was old, far from it actually.  It was that it made me realize I am just a few years behind him.  On his birthday while he was hopefully have an amazing celebration of his life (to which he earned and should be very proud of) I was being highly critical of myself all day.   All I kept saying is "What the hell?"  I mean, I'm almost 35.  Shouldn't I be sure of who I am, where I am going and what I want out of life at this point??  Why am I still loosing my way?  Loosing my center?  Changing my dreams?  Learning my faith?  Why do I not take things more seriously?  Why do I not enjoy every single day with my family, friends, kids?  Why do I sweat the small stuff?  Why do I care so much about how I look?  Why do I care what others think?  Why does the past bother me?  Why do I waste even a second on things that will not uplift me?
I could go on forever...... like I did that day.  But I won't.  You get the point.  Sometimes I feel like that 21 year old girl I use to be in my head.  Shy, self-conscious, not good enough, not smart enough.  Does anyone else have this same fight?  I wondered all day.  It can't just be me that feels like two people, almost constantly.  The one that I am - at least the weaker, easier side.  And then there is the one I want to be.  She almost always wins, for which I am incredibly grateful.  She is strong.  She knows what is right and wrong.  She knows that the most important thing in life is her husband, her family and her faith.  She KNOWS this.  She knows that the looks will fade, and the body will get weak, and life on this earth  will end.  She knows in the end all she wants is to be with her family forever.  She will do anything to get it.
So why is it that I fight this battle?  Every time I think of this, as cliche as it sounds, all I hear in my head is "This is that natural man I talk about."  Sounds crazy, but it really is all I need to slap my mind back to center.  Even though I don't think I know the full depth to that sentence, I know it's true.  I know that the easiest route would be the most devastating.
The truth is, kids are hard.  Marriage is hard.  Having rules is hard.  Having financial requirements placed upon you is hard.  But really, isn't that the point??  Almost everything I can think of that is good for you, takes time to be easy, but once you have worked at it, the rewards are breathtaking.  I have a family to come home to at night.  I have a husband that is truly my best friend.  And even though we argue sometimes, and drive each other crazy, I would never want anyone by my side but him.  Ever.
My kids drive me crazy, and they take up tons of time and tons of energy and tons of money.  But then you walk into there room at night and you look at their sleeping faces, and just for a second they open their eyes, and you seen them smile-  You see them open their arms to you and kiss you and hug you.  There is so much truth in it, it warms your soul till it burns.  It is worth it.
I feel as though the weight of responsibility will crush me sometimes, and it's all I can do to not scream out "Enough!", I can't be responsible for this little soul, or making all the right choices!!
But I am, and I will.  Sometimes I have to remind myself that we WILL make mistakes..... I mean that's the point right??  My kids will make mistakes.  It is all part of the process.
My body doesn't hold up like it use too.  I demand a lot from it, and it doesn't give back like it use to.  My skin doesn't look like a 21 year old anymore, and I have to live with that.  I can't eat a whole box of cookies anymore and not gain weight.   This life takes from us.  If you think about it, it can be depressing.   I am realizing, now that I see my age worming its way into my life more, that is why God gave us the gospel.  Why he gave us families.  We don't have to face any of it alone.  We all bounce around like crazy people, but the crazy people we surround ourselves with love us no matter what.  They help us keep a controlled bounce,  so that we never bounce too far. :)

Bucket List

Ok, so I know its a little late.  We started the year off a little behind because we were all sick.  No more!  We are back on our feet, feeling great and ready to make life even more amazing.
So, yes, I can mark something off my bucket list.  It's going to sound a little lame, so you need a tiny back story to really appreciate.  My husband and I always watch Top Chef together.  They make scallops on this show EVERY DANG EPISODE!! For years now I have been saying that they look so good and that I want to try one.  Now, anyone that knows me and is reading this must be thinking, "But Crystal hates seafood."  That is still mostly true, and I am getting much more adventurous the older I get and am all about trying new things.  I wouldn't say I hate all seafood anymore, but I am a true Seafood Snob.  Nothing but the best seafood if I am going to eat it.  Proud of it:)
Back to the scallops.  My husband took me on a date the other night to The Bonefish Grill in Boise.  It was great!!!  I finally got my scallops (and amazing crab cakes).  As silly as it sounds, it made me really happy to have finally done something I have said I wanted to do for such a long time:)
Cheers to that!

Terror makes the world go round.....

In the past few days I have been contemplating a lot, along with the entire nation I would guess.  I have tried to avoid most of the media on it, all pictures, and talking amongst friends about it.  The tragedy in Connecticut has made me question a lot of things.
Having a kindergartener myself, this hit really close to home for me.  I volunteer at her school once a week.  I walk in the front doors, sign a meaningless sheet of paper while noting that no one in the office even bothered to look up to see who I was.  I throw a "Volunteer" name badge over my head and walk to my daughters classroom.  This tiny piece of plastic now makes me valid, this tiny piece of plastic around my neck now makes everyone breathe easier that walks by me and never thinks to ask why I am there.  That use to bother me before, that no one seemed to take more of an interest in who this person was entering the building.  Now, it terrifies me.
I was thinking about what kind of person that boy had to be.  I will not give him more notoriety by talking about him in a personal sense.  What he did is done, and in my opinion, he should never be talked about again.  My thoughts have been more general.  People keep talking about how we should be able to catch these people sooner.  The warning signs if you will.   Gun control always comes up, profiling, mental illness, all these things might have been a factor.
What makes a killer a killer?  Lets talk about warning signs.
1.  Abuse or hurting of animals.  Couldn't agree more with this....but wait.  My brothers use to blow up water skippers with firecrackers on the fourth of July.  I'm sure ALL boys did something like that.  They thought it was hilarious.   There was a cat incident in my family too.  Do those signs make my brothers more likely to do something like that?
2.  My son loves to play like his GI Joes hurt or capture barbies or his dinosaurs eat my daughters Little Pet Shop animals.  He captures them, or "ties them up" in a prison.  Should I take that as an early warning sign that he may want to torture?
3.  I know a little girl who is painfully shy.  Is she thinking evil thoughts as she looks at other kids, just wondering how to get back at them?
I could go on.  I have thought of dozens of examples I have seen in just that past 4 days.  I bring these things up because I was hoping to find an answer.  Hoping of finding a way to calm my soul so that I could once again feel safe sending my children out into the world.  The truth is, I haven't found any.  I believe there are no answers as to why people do things like this.  There is no logically answer that could explain this, because what happened isn't logically.
My brothers are some of the most loving, stable people I know.   They wouldn't hurt anything.  My son, and that young girl are too little to know anything but happiness and love from their parents, which is their whole world right now.  Early warnings signs, to some degree, are a joke.  What happened is madness, and only the mad would understand how it could have been prevented.
I ache for those who lost, to the depths of my soul.  I feel anger and hatred boiling up every time I think about that boy who chose to think his troubles were owed some type of retribution.  How dare he.
All I can get from all this is that we have to trust God in everything.  That may seem to easy for some, but sometimes its all we have.
My first thought the morning of the shooting was how much it must of hurt God to watch one of his sons walking towards that building, knowing what he was about to do.  How much it must of hurt to watch him take the lives of so many of his precious children.  How much he must of wept, and still weeps,  for his grown sons and daughters who now have to live without a part of their soul.  He knows how much grief is erupting from our hearts.  A small comfort might be that those children understand the bigger picture now. They are no longer scared or lonely, they are with Him.
It hurts so much more for us, for those who lost.  We are yet to understand, and maybe never will in this lifetime.  What a comfort to know that you will see your little ones again.
All my prayers......

Dear Dad,

I think sometimes you must be glad you didn't have to watch me go through some of the things I did, or am still going through.  Being a parent now, it is agonizing to see your kids struggle or make the desicion you know is the tougher one.
Makenzie was told by her "friend" (that is a boy) at school that he was going to bring a pocket knife to school and cut all the girls.  Yep, that's right.  A 6 year old boy said that to my little girl.  I about drove the car off the rode when she told me.  Obviously my first reaction was to go find that boy and donkey punch him to the throat, but then my grown up side talked me out of it.  I mean really?  I don't get boys.  Frankly, I don't get men either.  They say one thing, and they mean another - or they expect us to know when they want us, and when they want us to leave them alone.  I know women get all the blame for being impossible to read, but I really think it has been labeled on the wrong gender.
I wonder how you were with mom.  All us kids think you were perfect and that you two never fought.  I always thought you were the perfect priesthood holder and always held family home evening, being super involved with us kids....etc.  Mom set me straight on that one a few months ago.  Not to say you weren't a great father, but she really spared Drew a bunch of heartache with holding him to an expectation that wasn't exactly spot on. :)
I'm just hanging on today Dad.   Tomorrow is church.  I'm really hopeful that my spirits will be lifted and I can be the mom and wife I hope to be.
C

Dear Dad

I wonder what you would say to me today.  I know you see that I haven't shaken off the failures of yesterday.  I just don't know how to do it today.
I wonder what you would say to me today.
Crystal

Dear Dad,

I failed her today.  Little Miss wanted to ride her bike again.  We haven't done it in over a week, so I was a little tense knowing how she reacts when her feet have to get wet again.  D is out of town.  He is always better at this stuff.  The being patience stuff.  The first fall she took wasn't a bad one.  It shook her confidence I could tell.  I gave her the pep talk about not giving up, and try try again - thinking that was what she needed to hear.  Off she went again.  It was obvious before she even picked her foot up that she was in her head, telling herself she couldn't do it.  Down she went.  This fall was a little worse, a minor bloody lip, stopped in just a few seconds.  I'm not even sure she knew she had one.  I so badly wanted her to realize that she had done this just a week before and rode all over the neighborhood!!  I wanted her to realize that she didn't have to wonder if she had it in her, she could KNOW it.  I started to get frustrated that she wasn't realizing her potential and she was missing out on all this fun she could be having.
The bike riding ended, her in tears and me frustrated and mad at myself for not knowing how to better handle this situation.  I'm her mom.  I should know what she needs, and how to give it to her.
At bedtime, I laid next to her and told her how much I loved her.  I told her I was sorry for not always knowing the right thing to say.  I snuggled her and kissed her and hopefully left her heart mended from the hurt I may have caused her today.
I sat on the couch tonight wondering why I couldn't get her to understand she was brave.  How could I get her to understand that believing in yourself is imperative to making it through school and life that she is being thrust into so quickly.  I thought about what you might say.  You might say being brave is exactly what Little Miss did in some ways.  She was brave enough to try, more times than she wanted to.  She didn't give up after the first fall, she tried 2 more times.  She didn't say she couldn't when she wanted to quit, she said she didn't feel up to it any more that night.  She was brave to tell me that she was scared.  She trusted me with her feelings.
Thats when the real sadness crept in.  The feeling that I failed her.  I showed her that her feelings weren't safe with me, and that I was disappointed in her for stopping.  How could I do that to her?   This was about more that just the bike ride tonight, it was about how I deal with her feelings.  She is such a tender spirit.  One that requires so much love because she is so vulnerable all the time.  I don't want that to change, ever.  I realized tonight how I need to change some things.  After the sadness, came the relief that I now know what I can do different tomorrow.  Tomorrow is a new day.
Love,
C

Demons

Last week I taught a lesson on how to find your personal testimony.  It was perfect for me, as I have struggled with this my entire life.  I am beginning to understand, with much regret, I will probably always have this cross to bear.  We all have our own. This is one of mine.
The lesson went better than I could have expected.  I prepared every day last week.  Studied my scriptures every night, prayed, I really felt like it was on my mind every step of the way.  All the time, this studying, was strengthening me.  The spirit was so strong that day in class.  The girls were engaged, I felt inspired on what to say, and when to say it.  It was such a great experience.
I came home refreshed, with a new found hope that I had been missing for too long.  I knew I had a testimony, and it felt so good to be grounded again.  I went into this last week with new direction, motivation and goals to do things better.  I was going to have the spirit with me, do things better by my family and by my Father in heaven.
Demons.  They know when to strike.  In my past, it is usually when I am feeling lost.  I didn't expect them this time.  I was not prepared for such an intrusion.  This week was one of the worst I have had in 10 years.  Things started off bad, and just got worse and worse until I was in a hole so deep and dark, I couldn't look up and see light.  My demons knew I was getting stronger.  They knew I was treading somewhere that terrifies them.
I read my Brothers blog today, questioning the intelligence of posting your journal online for the world to see.  To write your most personal thoughts in a place that has no beginning or end, no way to get them back once they are sent.  I loved his courage to do it anyways.  It gave me the nudge I needed to write more truthfully here.  I was always a little nervous to write about my journey through the gospel.  It is such a sacred, personal thing.  I believe the way for me to survive, to get through my dark times, to fight off the demons of my past and present - is to put them on blast.  I need to write about it, learn from it, and pick myself up again.  The times of joy are so easy to write about, and believe me, there are lots of those times.  I have found myself silenced by my own cowardliness when things get tough.  I have finally found no need to pretend there is no struggle.
What I have taken from this week is not that I have won.  No, that has not come yet.  It is that I am still here.  I have not given up hope.  I know that when my love of the Savior is growing, my trials seem to get harder, at least for now.  I am so very thankful for Sundays.  I need to be surrounded by the love that bolsters my testimony and gives me strength to rise up again, and do it better.

You are not forgotten.....

VAN ORUM WAGON TRAIN MASSACRE

For the past 10 years I have driven a few dozen times to Huntington, OR. Every time I go, we pass this part of the highway where there is a lone grave site. I have wanted to stop for years, feeling a strange responsibility to whoever was down there, to learn their story. Yesterday, I finally made Drew stop. As I walked down with his mom, I was really excited that I was finally doing it! I expected it to be a story related to the Oregon trail of course, being where we were. I was naively excited about it. I'm not sure why I didn't feel the gravity of what probably happened on the exact ground I was standing.

It was eery listen to Jean read the story out loud as I leaned against the fence that surrounded it, protected it. The sun was setting and made the air around us crisp and cold. Fitting I thought. These people didn't save the world, they aren't famous, they aren't people that changed any big part of our history. In that sense, I guess most people would feel like they are just a casualty of times surrounding them. A moment of silence would probably have been enough for most people to feel ok about what happened there.

Call me sentimental, but I felt a connection to these people. For 10 years I have thought of whoever was there, whatever happened. Felling almost guilty for not knowing what someone gave up to settle where they did, what they went through. Now I know their story. I love these people. I love them because they did something I couldn't. I love them because they were strong and fearless, and did what they had too in the face of the impossible. I won't retell their story in my words, it won't do it justice. I took a picture of the write up. I hope you read it, so that they can be remembered, as they should be.

It's all relative, isn't it?

Today was an interesting day. Saturdays are usually packed with activities, families and friends, chores to do, groceries to get. Mine was no exception. Starting out by going with a friend to get some flowers potted at a nursery. It was amazing to see what attitude filled the crowed, now-filled with nothing but plants and dirt, parking lot. In all rights, it should have been totally annoying, but no one was the least bit annoyed. In fact, it was as if our small, sun-deprived of late, town was overly friendly. Eager to help even. Each way I turned I saw smiling faces, random strangers willing to answer questions about their little nugget of gold they learned about beautiful gardening. Even the workers were excited to be there. One even told me she asked to work longer hours to be a part of all the hustle outside in the sun. My friend and I were there for over an hour and a half, and it felt like 15 minutes. My soul was filled with light again this morning, and a renewed outlook on people. As we were leaving, and surrounded (literally) by people willing to help us load up our truck with smiling faces, and old man walked by. He slowly looked up at me and waited until he knew he had my attention. Then out of his mouth, along with much sourness, came "Nice parking spot". It was full of hiss and annoyance. Just then I realized that all this happiness surrounding all of us, really is just relative to your state of being. I really couldn't believe this man could find anything to be so snarky about on a day like today. My resolve to relish in the happy became even stronger as we drove away.

Fast forward to this evening. I know no one ever admits to an imperfect marriage where their spouse and them never argue, but lets be real, it happens. It happened to Drew and I tonight, nothing big. In fact, it was ridiculously small, and we were making it into something it had no business being. Makenzie has this "friend". I put "" on it because this friend just showed up one day on our doorstep one day weeks ago. I don't even know how she knew we had a child around her age, but Makenzie jumped right on it. She didn't care that this girl obviously has baggage that no 7 year old should have to deal with. She always came a bit dirty, hair never done, clothes never fitting right. When asked about her family over the past few weeks she has been showing up, she never really had answers that made me feel good about her living situation. She was ALWAYS hungry, so we always fed her. Makenzie was always sending her home with her toys to "borrow", that ended up getting lost every time. I knew nothing about that, until tonight. Makenzie never seemed to mind too much that her toys were lost. She just loved having her friend over. She came at dinner time tonight. I must admit, my heart sinks a little when I see her peaking through my glass at the front door. Not because being kind to a child isn't something I want to do, it's more the lack of manners and not knowing how to deal with some of her issues that makes me uncomfortable. I'm only 33, what do I know about raising children?? My poor kids deal with it enough! I told her she could play until I had dinner ready, and then it was family night. As I was making dinner, the whole time I kept hearing "you need to ask her to stay and eat". So, I listened to the promptings. When I asked this sweet 7 year old if she could stay for dinner and that she needed to go ask her parents if it was ok, and that we would wait for her to get back - this was her response " Well, I came over here because my parents locked the door behind me and said that they needed alone time. So I'm pretty sure they won't mind."

It really is all relative isn't it? Here Drew and I are squabbling about the back yard, and this child is dealing with that? My heart sank. I was so sad to think of my kids ever filling that way. NO child, should ever feel that way.

I gave my little ones an extra long snuggle time tonight.

Age doesn't keep you safe....

I try and make right choices, I guess we all do. It should seem fairly easy. Good is good, bad is bad. Friends are people you care about and look out for, family are people you love and keep sheltered at all cost. Why is it then, that when you least expect it, someone you care about deeply, completely defeats you?

I don't know the answers...but this is what I do know. I know that even though I'm 33 years old, my age doesn't shield me from being treated like I was when I was 16. Whats worse, by someone I loved. Someone I risked more than I ever should have for. Maybe that's the point, I risked too much. I had something like this coming I guess. I learned the hard way. That seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life since the beginning.

It's strange how it can make you feel so empty, being disrespected. If you think about that word, its doesn't sting your ears as strong as the meaning behind that word should. When we think of words that last, that hurt, that you can't take back - you think of hate, and all the words that spider off it if. I never thought of disrespect as one. I do now.

In ways it's worse than hate. Hate, at least to me, is more honest. It's raw, there is no guessing how someone feels. Disrespect is a word that acts like a thief. In the beginning, it starts off as a promise of friendship, hope, even love at times. It can go years pretending, and then one day it steals it all back. What you held dear, just disappears. Worse than that is that when it is gone, it leaves you feeling empty and used.

Today was one of those days where being the bigger person, taking the higher road, feels terrible. I have always had a hard time seeing the difference between "taking the higher road" and being "walked on". If feels pretty much the same today. I choose to believe that it is the right thing to do, so I do it. My faith helps me hold on to the fact that my life is bigger than this, and it's my job to make the best of things that happen to me.

Not much to say except....

I'M STARVING. Survey says? I need to go to the grocery store to get more food. Healthy food. Boo! I hate being hungry and not having anything that qualifies for me to eat.

"If the past calls, don't answer. It has nothing new to say"

I know not everyone admits it, but the past catches up to them. In one way or the other, you will answer for the past mistakes you have made, or the past situations not answered, or the lack of drive to do things you should have. Well, that day was yesterday for me.

Is it possible for two people to stay passionately in love, forever? I ask because I am surrounded by people that constantly prove me wrong in my quest for it. I'm not saying I'm prefect in this, or that it is even easy. It's just interesting to me to watch people evolve around you. Drew has always said, from the day we were married, that women start off ready to fail. He calls it the "Lifetime Movie" effect. Has a nice ring to it right? Totally true. We grow up watching these movies and looking up the Princesses that have everything end up happily ever after. No wonder our husbands don't stand a chance!:)

I digress. My point of this is - at some point you have to make a call. Wrap up all the mistakes, the hurt, the anger, the unanswered questions, and destroy it. All the past will do is eat you alive. It's toxic, it's dangerous and it will find you. Be ready.

Back to the topic I meant to write about, day 3 of my clean diet. Today was harder than the rest. I was starting to get cocky, and so the universe put it right by showing me how NOT easy this was gonna be. I slipped today and had a Coke. Now, in my defense (and total excuse) my cheat day will be this Friday (date night with the hubby). I cleared it with him that we are not going to pizza or mexican. So, therefore, I will NOT be having soda on that day. So, I had it today. Not 5 minutes into that delicious drink, I had a killer headache. Ugh! By the end, I didn't even remember why I wanted it. What I did remember, is the fudge I have in the fridge downstairs! But, alas my dear friends, I did NOT succumb! Love the small victories! I even made a healthy dinner tonight for my family! ( I won't talk about how 2 hours later I was STARVING and I barely talked myself out of a McDonalds run. I settled for a bowl of Special K. SO not the same thing, or nearly as satisfying, but hey, I will be grateful at 5:30am when I hit the gym). Hoping tomorrow will feel a little better!

2012 - It has commenced!

Ok, so the clean eating has begun. Yesterday. Thanks right, I am already a day behind:) What is clean eating you ask? I have been asked that by quite a few people, so I should clarify that this is a term I use for myself, and probably improperly:) To me, its no more soda, virtually no sugar or breads, only good carbs, lots and lots of veggies and fruits. I am determined to make the $120 dollars Drew and I spend on Crossfit a month, worth it. Thats right, we spend that much on a Crossfit, but I will tell you what - it has been the best money we have ever spent. It has given us something in common that betters our lives. It also gives us some healthy competition:) Drew finally got the motivation to do it 3 months after I started because I was getting stronger than him! Haha! What husband can live with that? He is quickly catching up and will destroy me soon:)

So on to how this clean eating is going. First, I should have bought stock in Stride gum! I LIVE on it. It is my saving grace for keeping me off my sweets. Immediately after I eat, I stick a piece in. It seems to be doing the trick:) Yesterday, Drew and I both had headaches from the pop withdrawal. Yes that's right, I was finally addicted to the sauce. Its HARD to be off! I LOVE soda. Dang its sweet taste and burn! Oh well, my bones and teeth will thank me right? The food we are eating is pretty boring right now. I am guessing it will start to taste better after we eat it for a while. I have to gag down oatmeal in the morning, which I hate! Leaving behind me my delicious cereal.....*tear* I will miss it so.

We do get one cheat day a week, so I am looking forward to Friday night with my man! It gives me something to look forward to when I am gnawing on my carrots through the week. Bring on The Cheesecake Factory!

So this will be my journey. I am toying with the idea of posting a before and after picture. Really just to hold me accountable. We will see. Crossfit has transformed my body and I feel strong and empowered to stand along side men and hold my own. It's a great feeling:)!

I am going out with a friend tonight. It will be a massive challenge to eat clean, because we are going to none other than THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY! I will be strong:)!!

Terrible Two's

Not a very clever title I realize, but all the same true. The last week has been a blurred trail of every motion I can think of. I hear in my head all those people that said to me years ago with Makenzie (my now 5 year old) about how awful the 2's were going to be. So there I was, perched, ready, prepared. I read the books, too many books, Googled everything I could. I felt armored and totally brilliant. And.... I waited. The 3's came, and I waited. The 4's....more waiting. Really, I am still waiting. My armor has come down, my knowledge is now fuzzy, but none of that bothers me, because she is my miracle. In every sense of the word, she is my miracle.
I need to preface, that before anyone reading this starts to assume that I love one child more than the other, or think Makenzie can do no wrong - that is indeed not the case. She does naughty things sometimes. Years ago when she started doing those naughty things, I thought they were horribe things. I couldn't believe MY child would do these "things." It's amazing what a few years and an additional child (not to mention a BOY child) will do to gain you some clarity.
But, I digress. Lets fast forward to the present and skip the plesentries that were Makenzie's toddlerhood. I am writing this post today to air some dirty laundry about my motherhood experience with my son and daughter. I really just didn't know days could be this hard. I didn't know that this little being you carried for 9 LONG, HARD months, gained an insulting 50 pounds for, lost bladder control for, lost all sense of long or short term memory for - could look at you sometimes with that look in his eyes that makes me feel like he is just giving me the finger. (If indeed he could get those adorable chubby paws to do anything but hit his sister or pick up anything disgusting he sees:)) It's like working for a boss that constently looks at you when you ask him something, and JUST KEEPS STARING... as if not to give a flying banana about what you just said. Either that or throw his nameplate at your head.
Is it worth it? I know the polictically correct answer is yes. But some days, I really don't know. Tonight in writing this, I have gained a bit of clarity (also my children being in bed and it being silent for the first time all day:)). Do the terrible two's want to make you crawl under your bed and yell mercy at the top of your lungs? HOWDY YES. Do you wonder if you will ever make it out of the current day alive? Do you sometimes think of excuses to get away from them? Do you feel like you are in a match of WWW wrestling the tall you want to do is tap out, but your husband hasn't come home from work yet:)? ALL YES.
Let me tell you this though..... There are moments, sometimes just seconds, that you can breathe in deep and freeze it. You gain this ability as a mom, at least I have. Those beautiful seconds where you look over, while you are slaving away making dinner, and you see your two little ones playing ring around the rosey and you hear the sweetest laughter you have ever heard. You witness a pure and honest love and enjoyment of a brother and sister, that lasts you. You put this file in your head, so that all the other hours of the day you want to pull your hair out, you can remember this second, and love it. Love them. Heaven help me, with all my soul, I love them. My little Mason has been blessed with a rowdy spirit that will keep me on my toes that is for sure. But that rowdy spirit comes with a determination that I so admire. He is rough, he tumbles he gets hurt, but keeps going. All he needs is a kiss from mom where it hurt and off he goes again without so much as a tear.

He inspires me. My daughters spirit is so raw and visible. I adore that about her. She always knows what to say and when to say it, and keeps my exhausted soul hopeful and feeling genuinely loved . Mason though, he inspires me in much different way. Wouldn't it be amazing, if when I needed my Father, or Mother - all I needed to do was pray and feel that love from Them and it would keep me going. A knowledge that They are there for me, always to catch and get me back on my feet. What amazing faith and strength he has.

I will never understand why God has felt like I deserve such amazing spirits to watch over. What a huge responsibility. I can't imagine how much he loves them too, and misses them. I will cherish all the seconds I can....and the ones I just can't do anything but retreat? I will pull them back with me, and take a deep breathe and remember what happiness is around the corner.

Licking the gutter while still feeling the sun:)

That is what my last 2 hours was all about. My kids were LOOSING THEIR EVER-LOVIN MINDS tonight. Let me tell you about the day I had for them.
I woke up with them, made them a great breakfast, had their favorite Disney music playing all morning, and was cheerful and shiny to them. Now, if they only knew how Disney music is something I can usually get on board with if I am in a shiny mood, but all morning? I don't think so. Mommy doesn't love that. BUT, I do it:)
So, then we head over to Grandma #1's house to help her do some yard work. By yard work, I mean me, my mom, and sister do the yard work while our kiddos all play and do whatever fun they want. Then they get lunch made for them by Gma and then I take them home for a nice nap. After nap times, I have snacks ready for them and then we hop in the car and head to my Chiropractors (whom they love, no really, they do. He is great.) After that, we head to the hospital to see Grandpa #2. He just had his hip replaced. So they got to go and laugh with Gpa and get cookies after cookies from Grandma #2. Then home we went to go swimming in our pool with my kids best friends. Then they got to also come home with us for dinner.
Whew! Ok, it was a long day, but everything we did, they loved. Just writing it though was exhuasting:) So tonight I bathed them..... and then the devil appeared, IN BOTH OF THEM. I have never seen anything like it. We don't have tantrums in our house. Well, we NEVER did before Mason. He tries to pull them occasionally. They was a whole new level. It was to to the point that I pulled them out mid-bath and put them in their pjs, read a book to them while they weren't even listening and put them in the beds and walked out.
They were asleep 5 mins later. I mean REALLY?
I feel like its a step forward for me though, because before I would have totally shut down and gotten totally overwhelmed with that. Glad to say, it just felt like I was licking a gutter. It was awful... BUT, they sun was still out, and I knew tomorrow was just a good nights sleep away:)

Holy random post.... had to get it off my chest. Off to bed, I'm BEAT!

Mixed Breed - Yorkie/Standard Poodle

I know, totally gross if you think about the logistics, but don't. I am talking strictly personality traits here. That's what I am, a mix of those too. My book talks about what kind of personality trait you are, when human traits are compared to those of dogs. It sounded weird at first, who wants to be compared to a dog? These labels have real names, but thank heavens the author put normal names on them! I couldn't keep the scientific names straight.
The four were Yorkie, Irish Setter, Standard Poodle and Great Dane. I won't go into all of them, but mine. So I say mixed breed because I am two different people sometimes. I am the "Go out without kids and let loose, have a great time, have bad judgment (not that bad:)), make people laugh, not be so tense and stressed out" type. The Yorkie type if you will. At home, I feel like I need to be the "I know what I am doing, I don't loose control, I don't make a fool of myself, I am nothing but a good example" type. The Standard Poodle.
In realizing this, I know now that I don't want to be two different people. I am not sure I actually knew if I WAS. It's empowering to know that about yourself. If working as a vet tech all those years taught me anything, it was that mixed breeds, "mutts" if you will, are the most resilient and in the end, the cutest:)

Is it weird?

Is it weird that I was reading a book the other day that asked me the question " Who are 5 people in your life that influence you", and I could only think of 3?? I found that shocking! I guess I have never thought about it before. And what is even more strange, I would say that only 2 of those people influence me in a positive way.
This book is really opening up my eyes....and it's only the first chapter. I know you must be wondering what it is. I debating putting this on shout on my blog, opening myself up to ridicule, but then I decided to give the nay-sayers the finger if they want to mock me about it.
So yes, I am 32 and I just bought my first "self-help" book. I wouldn't labeled it that, but the dang bookstores slapped the label on it for me. Either way, I am the first to admit, I could use some self-help. I think I could have said that about myself 10 years ago. I might always be able to say that about myself. Whatever, I own it and I almost feel more empowered by saying it out loud. So here it is.... starting a journey of becoming a better me. So far, this author has made me realize something I never did. I need more inspirational people around me.

New Years Goals Update:

So to hold me accountable, here is how I am doing on my goals - or at least a few of them.
1. Food Storage: Moving slower than I would like, but I am going in the right direction. That is big for me:)
2. This blog: Obvioulsy not great, but better than I was
3. Loosing 10 pounds: I was on such a great path, down 6 pounds, but then I hit a rut. My kids got sick, my husband went out of town for 2 weeks, and that did it for me. Back to where I started. That is disheartening....but I'm NOT giving up:) Swimsuit season is around the corner!
4. Family healthy meals: Doing great!! I am proud of what we have been eating...at least most of the time:)
5. Trip with Drew: We are planning next month!!! Fingers crossed we can get someone to watch our kiddos:)
So there is an update on a few.... more thoughts are circling the drain and will hit the blog soon:)

Talk to me Shrink

Do you ever have one of those days where you just can't figure it out? Since 5 o'clock this morning, I have been trying to figure it out. The more I look inside, the harder it is to make sense of everything outside.
Marriage is filled with two extremes I think. You either have the "newlywed bliss" extreme, or the "not a wave in site" extreme. Let me explain.
The NB extreme isn't just for the newlyweds. To me, it's just a the feeling I have when things are really, really good. It doesn't have to be just when it's a holiday or your birthday, or when something is obviously good. This can be just when it is apparent that all parties involved are actively trying to elevate the other. I love this extreme. It makes me remember that I am loved, that I was CHOSEN for a reason by this person across the table from me. That no matter how tough life gets, I am his person. I love being his person.
The NAWIS extreme is a darker side. At this point I am sure you have said to yourself, there is a darker side. What about the side when someone dies, or when divorce comes, or the fighting is what echos in the night? To me, the no wave in site is worse. To me - this is when someone, or maybe both just don't care enough to put up a fight anymore. At least when things are bad, one or both of you have made a choice. Either you are climbing on board together, or you have jumped ship and taken your own life raft away. At least a choice has been made. Indecision is worse. That place where you are just complacent. It's not bad, but its not great. Life is too short for not great. It really is.
That place, that place where complacent makes a stand is where the spiral begins. I hate that place. It makes me look back, it makes me "remember when"... and sometimes that is nothing but dangerous.
I have the best man in the world. I know people always say that, truth is, they are wrong, I actually have him:). It's terrible for me to feel anything but lucky - but with all marriages, there comes some level of work. The work on my side is next to nothing. My man cleans, cooks, loves his kids, loves me, works hard to keep the green coming and still makes time for our family. He never yells or raises his voice, and I mean NEVER. He never gets upset, and is almost always the first to apologize. That is a BIG deal because I am a lot to handle sometimes, emotionally:) I know it, I own it.
So, why blast my life on a blog? Really, I don't think anyone reads this anyways, but second, writing to me is like talking to a shrink. It helps me understand all these thoughts rolling around in my head - and most of the time realize that I am being too hard on someone. This time, after thinking about just a few of my mans qualities - I know I am being to hard on him.
Honestly, I know I am a lot to handle - in all the good ways and some bad. When it is good, it is great, and that is most of the time. But when things are rough, I am so thankful I have my soul mate next to me keeping my world protected. He is just that good.
So, on my list of New Years goals, I am adding one more. I will fight complacency with all I've got. Lets see where that gets me. :)

The portal

I went on a drive today. I needed to go to the bank, which is on the other side of town. So, I packed up my kids and headed out. I needed a break from the house today, so after the bank I decided to keep driving around to see where I would end up.
Of course I had to go by my mom's old house. I spent most of my childhood growing up there and love it more than any other place I lived as a kid. Inching by I looked at the few minimal changes that the new owners made and thought to myself how sad the house seemed to me now. I remember the day we moved my mom out. I remember racing the garage door as it closed, jumping over the sensor one last time and looking back thinking I felt terrible for abandoning it. It had sheltered us all for so many years, the good and the bad. My sister and I were married in the backyard. All these thoughts rushed through me in just a matter of minutes and I shook it off with a smile as I drove away, remembering, it's just a house:)
Then my car, like an old dog that knew where home was, just started down a path of my past. I hadn't driven by many of the homes around my old stomping grounds for over 10 years. I went past my old best friends house, remembering all the lunches spent there during the week and sleepovers. Dear friends in the ward that I viewed as second parents were on the trip as well. Then this journey turned sideways a bit. I drove past a few old boyfriends houses that were in the same area and I was shocked to feel the bit of uneasiness I did. At first it was just noticing the differences in the houses, the updates that had been done over that past many years. But then I saw his back fence, one my friend and I snuck around to go knock on his window at night. I got butterflies thinking about it. This continued for a few houses. I was taken off guard at how I was enjoying these memories. Reminising mentally, I started driving home. It was a very strange feeling though, the farther I drove away from my past and toward my present. It started to fade. My desire to think about it even disolved. It will sound strange to most, but every time I go to that side of town I feel as though I exchange through this invisible portal. Exchange into someone that misses that part of her life, misses those people, misses some parts of who she use to be. Driving through it the other way, back home, it was exactly that - home. Even though I have had some of the most amazing memories, some with endings tied up nicely, and some with a jagged edge that has no business being thought of again - I don't belong there any more.
So, for an hour it was great to think about the past and all the ups and downs, but I was glad to pull into my garage and feel like I was right were I was suppose to be. Home.