Terrible Two's

Not a very clever title I realize, but all the same true. The last week has been a blurred trail of every motion I can think of. I hear in my head all those people that said to me years ago with Makenzie (my now 5 year old) about how awful the 2's were going to be. So there I was, perched, ready, prepared. I read the books, too many books, Googled everything I could. I felt armored and totally brilliant. And.... I waited. The 3's came, and I waited. The 4's....more waiting. Really, I am still waiting. My armor has come down, my knowledge is now fuzzy, but none of that bothers me, because she is my miracle. In every sense of the word, she is my miracle.
I need to preface, that before anyone reading this starts to assume that I love one child more than the other, or think Makenzie can do no wrong - that is indeed not the case. She does naughty things sometimes. Years ago when she started doing those naughty things, I thought they were horribe things. I couldn't believe MY child would do these "things." It's amazing what a few years and an additional child (not to mention a BOY child) will do to gain you some clarity.
But, I digress. Lets fast forward to the present and skip the plesentries that were Makenzie's toddlerhood. I am writing this post today to air some dirty laundry about my motherhood experience with my son and daughter. I really just didn't know days could be this hard. I didn't know that this little being you carried for 9 LONG, HARD months, gained an insulting 50 pounds for, lost bladder control for, lost all sense of long or short term memory for - could look at you sometimes with that look in his eyes that makes me feel like he is just giving me the finger. (If indeed he could get those adorable chubby paws to do anything but hit his sister or pick up anything disgusting he sees:)) It's like working for a boss that constently looks at you when you ask him something, and JUST KEEPS STARING... as if not to give a flying banana about what you just said. Either that or throw his nameplate at your head.
Is it worth it? I know the polictically correct answer is yes. But some days, I really don't know. Tonight in writing this, I have gained a bit of clarity (also my children being in bed and it being silent for the first time all day:)). Do the terrible two's want to make you crawl under your bed and yell mercy at the top of your lungs? HOWDY YES. Do you wonder if you will ever make it out of the current day alive? Do you sometimes think of excuses to get away from them? Do you feel like you are in a match of WWW wrestling the tall you want to do is tap out, but your husband hasn't come home from work yet:)? ALL YES.
Let me tell you this though..... There are moments, sometimes just seconds, that you can breathe in deep and freeze it. You gain this ability as a mom, at least I have. Those beautiful seconds where you look over, while you are slaving away making dinner, and you see your two little ones playing ring around the rosey and you hear the sweetest laughter you have ever heard. You witness a pure and honest love and enjoyment of a brother and sister, that lasts you. You put this file in your head, so that all the other hours of the day you want to pull your hair out, you can remember this second, and love it. Love them. Heaven help me, with all my soul, I love them. My little Mason has been blessed with a rowdy spirit that will keep me on my toes that is for sure. But that rowdy spirit comes with a determination that I so admire. He is rough, he tumbles he gets hurt, but keeps going. All he needs is a kiss from mom where it hurt and off he goes again without so much as a tear.

He inspires me. My daughters spirit is so raw and visible. I adore that about her. She always knows what to say and when to say it, and keeps my exhausted soul hopeful and feeling genuinely loved . Mason though, he inspires me in much different way. Wouldn't it be amazing, if when I needed my Father, or Mother - all I needed to do was pray and feel that love from Them and it would keep me going. A knowledge that They are there for me, always to catch and get me back on my feet. What amazing faith and strength he has.

I will never understand why God has felt like I deserve such amazing spirits to watch over. What a huge responsibility. I can't imagine how much he loves them too, and misses them. I will cherish all the seconds I can....and the ones I just can't do anything but retreat? I will pull them back with me, and take a deep breathe and remember what happiness is around the corner.

Licking the gutter while still feeling the sun:)

That is what my last 2 hours was all about. My kids were LOOSING THEIR EVER-LOVIN MINDS tonight. Let me tell you about the day I had for them.
I woke up with them, made them a great breakfast, had their favorite Disney music playing all morning, and was cheerful and shiny to them. Now, if they only knew how Disney music is something I can usually get on board with if I am in a shiny mood, but all morning? I don't think so. Mommy doesn't love that. BUT, I do it:)
So, then we head over to Grandma #1's house to help her do some yard work. By yard work, I mean me, my mom, and sister do the yard work while our kiddos all play and do whatever fun they want. Then they get lunch made for them by Gma and then I take them home for a nice nap. After nap times, I have snacks ready for them and then we hop in the car and head to my Chiropractors (whom they love, no really, they do. He is great.) After that, we head to the hospital to see Grandpa #2. He just had his hip replaced. So they got to go and laugh with Gpa and get cookies after cookies from Grandma #2. Then home we went to go swimming in our pool with my kids best friends. Then they got to also come home with us for dinner.
Whew! Ok, it was a long day, but everything we did, they loved. Just writing it though was exhuasting:) So tonight I bathed them..... and then the devil appeared, IN BOTH OF THEM. I have never seen anything like it. We don't have tantrums in our house. Well, we NEVER did before Mason. He tries to pull them occasionally. They was a whole new level. It was to to the point that I pulled them out mid-bath and put them in their pjs, read a book to them while they weren't even listening and put them in the beds and walked out.
They were asleep 5 mins later. I mean REALLY?
I feel like its a step forward for me though, because before I would have totally shut down and gotten totally overwhelmed with that. Glad to say, it just felt like I was licking a gutter. It was awful... BUT, they sun was still out, and I knew tomorrow was just a good nights sleep away:)

Holy random post.... had to get it off my chest. Off to bed, I'm BEAT!

Mixed Breed - Yorkie/Standard Poodle

I know, totally gross if you think about the logistics, but don't. I am talking strictly personality traits here. That's what I am, a mix of those too. My book talks about what kind of personality trait you are, when human traits are compared to those of dogs. It sounded weird at first, who wants to be compared to a dog? These labels have real names, but thank heavens the author put normal names on them! I couldn't keep the scientific names straight.
The four were Yorkie, Irish Setter, Standard Poodle and Great Dane. I won't go into all of them, but mine. So I say mixed breed because I am two different people sometimes. I am the "Go out without kids and let loose, have a great time, have bad judgment (not that bad:)), make people laugh, not be so tense and stressed out" type. The Yorkie type if you will. At home, I feel like I need to be the "I know what I am doing, I don't loose control, I don't make a fool of myself, I am nothing but a good example" type. The Standard Poodle.
In realizing this, I know now that I don't want to be two different people. I am not sure I actually knew if I WAS. It's empowering to know that about yourself. If working as a vet tech all those years taught me anything, it was that mixed breeds, "mutts" if you will, are the most resilient and in the end, the cutest:)

Is it weird?

Is it weird that I was reading a book the other day that asked me the question " Who are 5 people in your life that influence you", and I could only think of 3?? I found that shocking! I guess I have never thought about it before. And what is even more strange, I would say that only 2 of those people influence me in a positive way.
This book is really opening up my eyes....and it's only the first chapter. I know you must be wondering what it is. I debating putting this on shout on my blog, opening myself up to ridicule, but then I decided to give the nay-sayers the finger if they want to mock me about it.
So yes, I am 32 and I just bought my first "self-help" book. I wouldn't labeled it that, but the dang bookstores slapped the label on it for me. Either way, I am the first to admit, I could use some self-help. I think I could have said that about myself 10 years ago. I might always be able to say that about myself. Whatever, I own it and I almost feel more empowered by saying it out loud. So here it is.... starting a journey of becoming a better me. So far, this author has made me realize something I never did. I need more inspirational people around me.

New Years Goals Update:

So to hold me accountable, here is how I am doing on my goals - or at least a few of them.
1. Food Storage: Moving slower than I would like, but I am going in the right direction. That is big for me:)
2. This blog: Obvioulsy not great, but better than I was
3. Loosing 10 pounds: I was on such a great path, down 6 pounds, but then I hit a rut. My kids got sick, my husband went out of town for 2 weeks, and that did it for me. Back to where I started. That is disheartening....but I'm NOT giving up:) Swimsuit season is around the corner!
4. Family healthy meals: Doing great!! I am proud of what we have been eating...at least most of the time:)
5. Trip with Drew: We are planning next month!!! Fingers crossed we can get someone to watch our kiddos:)
So there is an update on a few.... more thoughts are circling the drain and will hit the blog soon:)

Talk to me Shrink

Do you ever have one of those days where you just can't figure it out? Since 5 o'clock this morning, I have been trying to figure it out. The more I look inside, the harder it is to make sense of everything outside.
Marriage is filled with two extremes I think. You either have the "newlywed bliss" extreme, or the "not a wave in site" extreme. Let me explain.
The NB extreme isn't just for the newlyweds. To me, it's just a the feeling I have when things are really, really good. It doesn't have to be just when it's a holiday or your birthday, or when something is obviously good. This can be just when it is apparent that all parties involved are actively trying to elevate the other. I love this extreme. It makes me remember that I am loved, that I was CHOSEN for a reason by this person across the table from me. That no matter how tough life gets, I am his person. I love being his person.
The NAWIS extreme is a darker side. At this point I am sure you have said to yourself, there is a darker side. What about the side when someone dies, or when divorce comes, or the fighting is what echos in the night? To me, the no wave in site is worse. To me - this is when someone, or maybe both just don't care enough to put up a fight anymore. At least when things are bad, one or both of you have made a choice. Either you are climbing on board together, or you have jumped ship and taken your own life raft away. At least a choice has been made. Indecision is worse. That place where you are just complacent. It's not bad, but its not great. Life is too short for not great. It really is.
That place, that place where complacent makes a stand is where the spiral begins. I hate that place. It makes me look back, it makes me "remember when"... and sometimes that is nothing but dangerous.
I have the best man in the world. I know people always say that, truth is, they are wrong, I actually have him:). It's terrible for me to feel anything but lucky - but with all marriages, there comes some level of work. The work on my side is next to nothing. My man cleans, cooks, loves his kids, loves me, works hard to keep the green coming and still makes time for our family. He never yells or raises his voice, and I mean NEVER. He never gets upset, and is almost always the first to apologize. That is a BIG deal because I am a lot to handle sometimes, emotionally:) I know it, I own it.
So, why blast my life on a blog? Really, I don't think anyone reads this anyways, but second, writing to me is like talking to a shrink. It helps me understand all these thoughts rolling around in my head - and most of the time realize that I am being too hard on someone. This time, after thinking about just a few of my mans qualities - I know I am being to hard on him.
Honestly, I know I am a lot to handle - in all the good ways and some bad. When it is good, it is great, and that is most of the time. But when things are rough, I am so thankful I have my soul mate next to me keeping my world protected. He is just that good.
So, on my list of New Years goals, I am adding one more. I will fight complacency with all I've got. Lets see where that gets me. :)

The portal

I went on a drive today. I needed to go to the bank, which is on the other side of town. So, I packed up my kids and headed out. I needed a break from the house today, so after the bank I decided to keep driving around to see where I would end up.
Of course I had to go by my mom's old house. I spent most of my childhood growing up there and love it more than any other place I lived as a kid. Inching by I looked at the few minimal changes that the new owners made and thought to myself how sad the house seemed to me now. I remember the day we moved my mom out. I remember racing the garage door as it closed, jumping over the sensor one last time and looking back thinking I felt terrible for abandoning it. It had sheltered us all for so many years, the good and the bad. My sister and I were married in the backyard. All these thoughts rushed through me in just a matter of minutes and I shook it off with a smile as I drove away, remembering, it's just a house:)
Then my car, like an old dog that knew where home was, just started down a path of my past. I hadn't driven by many of the homes around my old stomping grounds for over 10 years. I went past my old best friends house, remembering all the lunches spent there during the week and sleepovers. Dear friends in the ward that I viewed as second parents were on the trip as well. Then this journey turned sideways a bit. I drove past a few old boyfriends houses that were in the same area and I was shocked to feel the bit of uneasiness I did. At first it was just noticing the differences in the houses, the updates that had been done over that past many years. But then I saw his back fence, one my friend and I snuck around to go knock on his window at night. I got butterflies thinking about it. This continued for a few houses. I was taken off guard at how I was enjoying these memories. Reminising mentally, I started driving home. It was a very strange feeling though, the farther I drove away from my past and toward my present. It started to fade. My desire to think about it even disolved. It will sound strange to most, but every time I go to that side of town I feel as though I exchange through this invisible portal. Exchange into someone that misses that part of her life, misses those people, misses some parts of who she use to be. Driving through it the other way, back home, it was exactly that - home. Even though I have had some of the most amazing memories, some with endings tied up nicely, and some with a jagged edge that has no business being thought of again - I don't belong there any more.
So, for an hour it was great to think about the past and all the ups and downs, but I was glad to pull into my garage and feel like I was right were I was suppose to be. Home.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water....

Dreams.... the best and worst of both worlds. Damn the dreams.

The Kissing Hand

I sat next to my 4 year old tonight in bed reading her "The Kissing Hand". For those of you who haven't read it, it is one you will not want to miss out on. The last page came, when the son reached up to his moms hand and kissed her palm, and I teared up. My daughter reached over to me, grabbed my hand and kissed my palm. She looked at me with those sweet tender eyes and just smiled. She knows I need that.
The day will come when I will curl my fingers tightly around that kiss and remember when she was right next to me and ache to have these days back. That is what brought me to tears. How lucky I am to have this moment.

Gratitude

I spoke this Sunday on gratitude. It was such a spiritual day for me. I really needed to learn the things I did from studying this subject. I feel it has changed my direction in life for the better and given me a new sense of happiness. I wanted to share a few quotes I found for my talk as I found them incredibly powerful:

“If you own just one Bible, you are abundantly blessed, one-third of the world does not have access to even one. If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than a million who will not survive the week. If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of five million people around the world. If you attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest or death, you are more blessed that almost three billion people in the world. If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, roof over your head and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet and spare change in a dish someplace, you are among the top 8% of the world’s wealthy. If your parents are still married and alive, you are very rare. If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful, you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not. If you can hold someone’s hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder, you are blessed because you can offer God’s healing touch. If you prayed yesterday and today, you are in the minority because you believe in God’s willingness to hear and answer prayer. If you believe in Jesus as the Son of God, you are part of a very small minority in the world. If you can read this message, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read anything at all.”

What if God decided to stop blessing us?

JUST THINK….

What if
God couldn’t take the time to bless us today because
we couldn’t take the time to thank Him yesterday?

What if
God decided to stop leading us tomorrow because
we did not follow Him today?

What if
we never saw another flower bloom because
we grumbled when God sent the rain?

What if
God didn’t walk with us today because
we failed to recognize it as His day?

What if
God took away the Bible tomorrow because
we would not read it today?

What if
God took away His message because
we failed to listen to His messenger?

What if
the door of the church was closed because
we did not open the door of our heart?

What if
God stopped loving and caring for us because
we failed to love and care for others?

What if
God would not hear us today because
we would not listen to Him yesterday?

What if
God answered our prayers the way
we answer His call for service?

What if
God met our needs the way
we give Him our lives?

Add on...

Some more goals:
12. Get organized
- Church calling: YW 1st couselor
- Recipe cupboard.... ORGANIZE and SIMPLIFY!!!!
- Junk drawer ...DONE!!! Just did it today! Yeah:)

**Side Note**
Want to know how dumb my brain is sometimes:)? So I have contractors in my crawl space today (and the whole last week) putting in the sump pump. Walking downstairs to the kitchen I actually found myself walking quietly because I didn't want the people in the crawl space to think "Daaang, that girl must be huge with all the stomping around she does". LOL, I am lame:)

New Years, New Me

I know its cliche, but it's that time of year when I try and change myself again. I love this time of year, even though at the end of any particular year it seems to finish with the incompleteness of some (ok usually many) of my goals, I still feel good. I feel good because this time of year gives me a new sense of purpose and a new sense of hope. Both of these things are in low supply in my life right now, so it is welcomed with open arms. Why you ask? My life is filled with many amazing things and people and I have loads to be thankful for - this is just me, and I have a hard time finding the happy in it all sometimes.
So - January, here you are and I am ready for you. I am sick of being tired, bored, unfunny, unhappy, etc. I am not all these things all the time, but I don't want to be any or them, ANY OF THE TIME. Weird sentence, just stay with me....
I feel like if I let people read this blog, it will help me be accountable. I have kept this blog quiet because it was really just for me. A place for me to write (which I love and have stopped doing. Again - annoying). A place I wouldn't be judged for what I said or thought. So leave your judgment shoes at the door please:)
With that said, with the first post of the new year I am going to write my New Years Resolutions. That's right, I do them - or at least I set them:) I have high hopes of doing all of them, but it's in the journey and I embrace it.

1. Complete my 3 month supply of food storage by my birthday (May)
2. Read scriptures with my family at least 5 days a week (that's right, we don't do it everyday - this is all about honesty here)
3. Make a yummy/healthy dinner for my family at least 4 nights a week ( I am not much of a cook and I have totally failed my husband and kids...NO MORE:))
4. Write in this blog at least 3 times a week with things that inspire me
5. Lose 10 pounds
6. Be more kind and more forgiving
7. Become silly again
8. Do something kind for someone in need once a week
9. Family Night once a week (this being either FHE or another night with just our family)
10. Make Memories
11. Go to Disneyland with Drew and fall in love all over again:)

So, that is what I have right now. I reserve the right to add some later or alter a bit if I find something works a little better for me. Let the ride begin:)