The portal

I went on a drive today. I needed to go to the bank, which is on the other side of town. So, I packed up my kids and headed out. I needed a break from the house today, so after the bank I decided to keep driving around to see where I would end up.
Of course I had to go by my mom's old house. I spent most of my childhood growing up there and love it more than any other place I lived as a kid. Inching by I looked at the few minimal changes that the new owners made and thought to myself how sad the house seemed to me now. I remember the day we moved my mom out. I remember racing the garage door as it closed, jumping over the sensor one last time and looking back thinking I felt terrible for abandoning it. It had sheltered us all for so many years, the good and the bad. My sister and I were married in the backyard. All these thoughts rushed through me in just a matter of minutes and I shook it off with a smile as I drove away, remembering, it's just a house:)
Then my car, like an old dog that knew where home was, just started down a path of my past. I hadn't driven by many of the homes around my old stomping grounds for over 10 years. I went past my old best friends house, remembering all the lunches spent there during the week and sleepovers. Dear friends in the ward that I viewed as second parents were on the trip as well. Then this journey turned sideways a bit. I drove past a few old boyfriends houses that were in the same area and I was shocked to feel the bit of uneasiness I did. At first it was just noticing the differences in the houses, the updates that had been done over that past many years. But then I saw his back fence, one my friend and I snuck around to go knock on his window at night. I got butterflies thinking about it. This continued for a few houses. I was taken off guard at how I was enjoying these memories. Reminising mentally, I started driving home. It was a very strange feeling though, the farther I drove away from my past and toward my present. It started to fade. My desire to think about it even disolved. It will sound strange to most, but every time I go to that side of town I feel as though I exchange through this invisible portal. Exchange into someone that misses that part of her life, misses those people, misses some parts of who she use to be. Driving through it the other way, back home, it was exactly that - home. Even though I have had some of the most amazing memories, some with endings tied up nicely, and some with a jagged edge that has no business being thought of again - I don't belong there any more.
So, for an hour it was great to think about the past and all the ups and downs, but I was glad to pull into my garage and feel like I was right were I was suppose to be. Home.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water....

Dreams.... the best and worst of both worlds. Damn the dreams.

The Kissing Hand

I sat next to my 4 year old tonight in bed reading her "The Kissing Hand". For those of you who haven't read it, it is one you will not want to miss out on. The last page came, when the son reached up to his moms hand and kissed her palm, and I teared up. My daughter reached over to me, grabbed my hand and kissed my palm. She looked at me with those sweet tender eyes and just smiled. She knows I need that.
The day will come when I will curl my fingers tightly around that kiss and remember when she was right next to me and ache to have these days back. That is what brought me to tears. How lucky I am to have this moment.

Gratitude

I spoke this Sunday on gratitude. It was such a spiritual day for me. I really needed to learn the things I did from studying this subject. I feel it has changed my direction in life for the better and given me a new sense of happiness. I wanted to share a few quotes I found for my talk as I found them incredibly powerful:

“If you own just one Bible, you are abundantly blessed, one-third of the world does not have access to even one. If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than a million who will not survive the week. If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of five million people around the world. If you attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest or death, you are more blessed that almost three billion people in the world. If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, roof over your head and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet and spare change in a dish someplace, you are among the top 8% of the world’s wealthy. If your parents are still married and alive, you are very rare. If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful, you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not. If you can hold someone’s hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder, you are blessed because you can offer God’s healing touch. If you prayed yesterday and today, you are in the minority because you believe in God’s willingness to hear and answer prayer. If you believe in Jesus as the Son of God, you are part of a very small minority in the world. If you can read this message, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read anything at all.”

What if God decided to stop blessing us?

JUST THINK….

What if
God couldn’t take the time to bless us today because
we couldn’t take the time to thank Him yesterday?

What if
God decided to stop leading us tomorrow because
we did not follow Him today?

What if
we never saw another flower bloom because
we grumbled when God sent the rain?

What if
God didn’t walk with us today because
we failed to recognize it as His day?

What if
God took away the Bible tomorrow because
we would not read it today?

What if
God took away His message because
we failed to listen to His messenger?

What if
the door of the church was closed because
we did not open the door of our heart?

What if
God stopped loving and caring for us because
we failed to love and care for others?

What if
God would not hear us today because
we would not listen to Him yesterday?

What if
God answered our prayers the way
we answer His call for service?

What if
God met our needs the way
we give Him our lives?

Add on...

Some more goals:
12. Get organized
- Church calling: YW 1st couselor
- Recipe cupboard.... ORGANIZE and SIMPLIFY!!!!
- Junk drawer ...DONE!!! Just did it today! Yeah:)

**Side Note**
Want to know how dumb my brain is sometimes:)? So I have contractors in my crawl space today (and the whole last week) putting in the sump pump. Walking downstairs to the kitchen I actually found myself walking quietly because I didn't want the people in the crawl space to think "Daaang, that girl must be huge with all the stomping around she does". LOL, I am lame:)

New Years, New Me

I know its cliche, but it's that time of year when I try and change myself again. I love this time of year, even though at the end of any particular year it seems to finish with the incompleteness of some (ok usually many) of my goals, I still feel good. I feel good because this time of year gives me a new sense of purpose and a new sense of hope. Both of these things are in low supply in my life right now, so it is welcomed with open arms. Why you ask? My life is filled with many amazing things and people and I have loads to be thankful for - this is just me, and I have a hard time finding the happy in it all sometimes.
So - January, here you are and I am ready for you. I am sick of being tired, bored, unfunny, unhappy, etc. I am not all these things all the time, but I don't want to be any or them, ANY OF THE TIME. Weird sentence, just stay with me....
I feel like if I let people read this blog, it will help me be accountable. I have kept this blog quiet because it was really just for me. A place for me to write (which I love and have stopped doing. Again - annoying). A place I wouldn't be judged for what I said or thought. So leave your judgment shoes at the door please:)
With that said, with the first post of the new year I am going to write my New Years Resolutions. That's right, I do them - or at least I set them:) I have high hopes of doing all of them, but it's in the journey and I embrace it.

1. Complete my 3 month supply of food storage by my birthday (May)
2. Read scriptures with my family at least 5 days a week (that's right, we don't do it everyday - this is all about honesty here)
3. Make a yummy/healthy dinner for my family at least 4 nights a week ( I am not much of a cook and I have totally failed my husband and kids...NO MORE:))
4. Write in this blog at least 3 times a week with things that inspire me
5. Lose 10 pounds
6. Be more kind and more forgiving
7. Become silly again
8. Do something kind for someone in need once a week
9. Family Night once a week (this being either FHE or another night with just our family)
10. Make Memories
11. Go to Disneyland with Drew and fall in love all over again:)

So, that is what I have right now. I reserve the right to add some later or alter a bit if I find something works a little better for me. Let the ride begin:)