Terror makes the world go round.....

In the past few days I have been contemplating a lot, along with the entire nation I would guess.  I have tried to avoid most of the media on it, all pictures, and talking amongst friends about it.  The tragedy in Connecticut has made me question a lot of things.
Having a kindergartener myself, this hit really close to home for me.  I volunteer at her school once a week.  I walk in the front doors, sign a meaningless sheet of paper while noting that no one in the office even bothered to look up to see who I was.  I throw a "Volunteer" name badge over my head and walk to my daughters classroom.  This tiny piece of plastic now makes me valid, this tiny piece of plastic around my neck now makes everyone breathe easier that walks by me and never thinks to ask why I am there.  That use to bother me before, that no one seemed to take more of an interest in who this person was entering the building.  Now, it terrifies me.
I was thinking about what kind of person that boy had to be.  I will not give him more notoriety by talking about him in a personal sense.  What he did is done, and in my opinion, he should never be talked about again.  My thoughts have been more general.  People keep talking about how we should be able to catch these people sooner.  The warning signs if you will.   Gun control always comes up, profiling, mental illness, all these things might have been a factor.
What makes a killer a killer?  Lets talk about warning signs.
1.  Abuse or hurting of animals.  Couldn't agree more with this....but wait.  My brothers use to blow up water skippers with firecrackers on the fourth of July.  I'm sure ALL boys did something like that.  They thought it was hilarious.   There was a cat incident in my family too.  Do those signs make my brothers more likely to do something like that?
2.  My son loves to play like his GI Joes hurt or capture barbies or his dinosaurs eat my daughters Little Pet Shop animals.  He captures them, or "ties them up" in a prison.  Should I take that as an early warning sign that he may want to torture?
3.  I know a little girl who is painfully shy.  Is she thinking evil thoughts as she looks at other kids, just wondering how to get back at them?
I could go on.  I have thought of dozens of examples I have seen in just that past 4 days.  I bring these things up because I was hoping to find an answer.  Hoping of finding a way to calm my soul so that I could once again feel safe sending my children out into the world.  The truth is, I haven't found any.  I believe there are no answers as to why people do things like this.  There is no logically answer that could explain this, because what happened isn't logically.
My brothers are some of the most loving, stable people I know.   They wouldn't hurt anything.  My son, and that young girl are too little to know anything but happiness and love from their parents, which is their whole world right now.  Early warnings signs, to some degree, are a joke.  What happened is madness, and only the mad would understand how it could have been prevented.
I ache for those who lost, to the depths of my soul.  I feel anger and hatred boiling up every time I think about that boy who chose to think his troubles were owed some type of retribution.  How dare he.
All I can get from all this is that we have to trust God in everything.  That may seem to easy for some, but sometimes its all we have.
My first thought the morning of the shooting was how much it must of hurt God to watch one of his sons walking towards that building, knowing what he was about to do.  How much it must of hurt to watch him take the lives of so many of his precious children.  How much he must of wept, and still weeps,  for his grown sons and daughters who now have to live without a part of their soul.  He knows how much grief is erupting from our hearts.  A small comfort might be that those children understand the bigger picture now. They are no longer scared or lonely, they are with Him.
It hurts so much more for us, for those who lost.  We are yet to understand, and maybe never will in this lifetime.  What a comfort to know that you will see your little ones again.
All my prayers......

Dear Dad,

I think sometimes you must be glad you didn't have to watch me go through some of the things I did, or am still going through.  Being a parent now, it is agonizing to see your kids struggle or make the desicion you know is the tougher one.
Makenzie was told by her "friend" (that is a boy) at school that he was going to bring a pocket knife to school and cut all the girls.  Yep, that's right.  A 6 year old boy said that to my little girl.  I about drove the car off the rode when she told me.  Obviously my first reaction was to go find that boy and donkey punch him to the throat, but then my grown up side talked me out of it.  I mean really?  I don't get boys.  Frankly, I don't get men either.  They say one thing, and they mean another - or they expect us to know when they want us, and when they want us to leave them alone.  I know women get all the blame for being impossible to read, but I really think it has been labeled on the wrong gender.
I wonder how you were with mom.  All us kids think you were perfect and that you two never fought.  I always thought you were the perfect priesthood holder and always held family home evening, being super involved with us kids....etc.  Mom set me straight on that one a few months ago.  Not to say you weren't a great father, but she really spared Drew a bunch of heartache with holding him to an expectation that wasn't exactly spot on. :)
I'm just hanging on today Dad.   Tomorrow is church.  I'm really hopeful that my spirits will be lifted and I can be the mom and wife I hope to be.
C

Dear Dad

I wonder what you would say to me today.  I know you see that I haven't shaken off the failures of yesterday.  I just don't know how to do it today.
I wonder what you would say to me today.
Crystal

Dear Dad,

I failed her today.  Little Miss wanted to ride her bike again.  We haven't done it in over a week, so I was a little tense knowing how she reacts when her feet have to get wet again.  D is out of town.  He is always better at this stuff.  The being patience stuff.  The first fall she took wasn't a bad one.  It shook her confidence I could tell.  I gave her the pep talk about not giving up, and try try again - thinking that was what she needed to hear.  Off she went again.  It was obvious before she even picked her foot up that she was in her head, telling herself she couldn't do it.  Down she went.  This fall was a little worse, a minor bloody lip, stopped in just a few seconds.  I'm not even sure she knew she had one.  I so badly wanted her to realize that she had done this just a week before and rode all over the neighborhood!!  I wanted her to realize that she didn't have to wonder if she had it in her, she could KNOW it.  I started to get frustrated that she wasn't realizing her potential and she was missing out on all this fun she could be having.
The bike riding ended, her in tears and me frustrated and mad at myself for not knowing how to better handle this situation.  I'm her mom.  I should know what she needs, and how to give it to her.
At bedtime, I laid next to her and told her how much I loved her.  I told her I was sorry for not always knowing the right thing to say.  I snuggled her and kissed her and hopefully left her heart mended from the hurt I may have caused her today.
I sat on the couch tonight wondering why I couldn't get her to understand she was brave.  How could I get her to understand that believing in yourself is imperative to making it through school and life that she is being thrust into so quickly.  I thought about what you might say.  You might say being brave is exactly what Little Miss did in some ways.  She was brave enough to try, more times than she wanted to.  She didn't give up after the first fall, she tried 2 more times.  She didn't say she couldn't when she wanted to quit, she said she didn't feel up to it any more that night.  She was brave to tell me that she was scared.  She trusted me with her feelings.
Thats when the real sadness crept in.  The feeling that I failed her.  I showed her that her feelings weren't safe with me, and that I was disappointed in her for stopping.  How could I do that to her?   This was about more that just the bike ride tonight, it was about how I deal with her feelings.  She is such a tender spirit.  One that requires so much love because she is so vulnerable all the time.  I don't want that to change, ever.  I realized tonight how I need to change some things.  After the sadness, came the relief that I now know what I can do different tomorrow.  Tomorrow is a new day.
Love,
C

Demons

Last week I taught a lesson on how to find your personal testimony.  It was perfect for me, as I have struggled with this my entire life.  I am beginning to understand, with much regret, I will probably always have this cross to bear.  We all have our own. This is one of mine.
The lesson went better than I could have expected.  I prepared every day last week.  Studied my scriptures every night, prayed, I really felt like it was on my mind every step of the way.  All the time, this studying, was strengthening me.  The spirit was so strong that day in class.  The girls were engaged, I felt inspired on what to say, and when to say it.  It was such a great experience.
I came home refreshed, with a new found hope that I had been missing for too long.  I knew I had a testimony, and it felt so good to be grounded again.  I went into this last week with new direction, motivation and goals to do things better.  I was going to have the spirit with me, do things better by my family and by my Father in heaven.
Demons.  They know when to strike.  In my past, it is usually when I am feeling lost.  I didn't expect them this time.  I was not prepared for such an intrusion.  This week was one of the worst I have had in 10 years.  Things started off bad, and just got worse and worse until I was in a hole so deep and dark, I couldn't look up and see light.  My demons knew I was getting stronger.  They knew I was treading somewhere that terrifies them.
I read my Brothers blog today, questioning the intelligence of posting your journal online for the world to see.  To write your most personal thoughts in a place that has no beginning or end, no way to get them back once they are sent.  I loved his courage to do it anyways.  It gave me the nudge I needed to write more truthfully here.  I was always a little nervous to write about my journey through the gospel.  It is such a sacred, personal thing.  I believe the way for me to survive, to get through my dark times, to fight off the demons of my past and present - is to put them on blast.  I need to write about it, learn from it, and pick myself up again.  The times of joy are so easy to write about, and believe me, there are lots of those times.  I have found myself silenced by my own cowardliness when things get tough.  I have finally found no need to pretend there is no struggle.
What I have taken from this week is not that I have won.  No, that has not come yet.  It is that I am still here.  I have not given up hope.  I know that when my love of the Savior is growing, my trials seem to get harder, at least for now.  I am so very thankful for Sundays.  I need to be surrounded by the love that bolsters my testimony and gives me strength to rise up again, and do it better.

You are not forgotten.....

VAN ORUM WAGON TRAIN MASSACRE

For the past 10 years I have driven a few dozen times to Huntington, OR. Every time I go, we pass this part of the highway where there is a lone grave site. I have wanted to stop for years, feeling a strange responsibility to whoever was down there, to learn their story. Yesterday, I finally made Drew stop. As I walked down with his mom, I was really excited that I was finally doing it! I expected it to be a story related to the Oregon trail of course, being where we were. I was naively excited about it. I'm not sure why I didn't feel the gravity of what probably happened on the exact ground I was standing.

It was eery listen to Jean read the story out loud as I leaned against the fence that surrounded it, protected it. The sun was setting and made the air around us crisp and cold. Fitting I thought. These people didn't save the world, they aren't famous, they aren't people that changed any big part of our history. In that sense, I guess most people would feel like they are just a casualty of times surrounding them. A moment of silence would probably have been enough for most people to feel ok about what happened there.

Call me sentimental, but I felt a connection to these people. For 10 years I have thought of whoever was there, whatever happened. Felling almost guilty for not knowing what someone gave up to settle where they did, what they went through. Now I know their story. I love these people. I love them because they did something I couldn't. I love them because they were strong and fearless, and did what they had too in the face of the impossible. I won't retell their story in my words, it won't do it justice. I took a picture of the write up. I hope you read it, so that they can be remembered, as they should be.

It's all relative, isn't it?

Today was an interesting day. Saturdays are usually packed with activities, families and friends, chores to do, groceries to get. Mine was no exception. Starting out by going with a friend to get some flowers potted at a nursery. It was amazing to see what attitude filled the crowed, now-filled with nothing but plants and dirt, parking lot. In all rights, it should have been totally annoying, but no one was the least bit annoyed. In fact, it was as if our small, sun-deprived of late, town was overly friendly. Eager to help even. Each way I turned I saw smiling faces, random strangers willing to answer questions about their little nugget of gold they learned about beautiful gardening. Even the workers were excited to be there. One even told me she asked to work longer hours to be a part of all the hustle outside in the sun. My friend and I were there for over an hour and a half, and it felt like 15 minutes. My soul was filled with light again this morning, and a renewed outlook on people. As we were leaving, and surrounded (literally) by people willing to help us load up our truck with smiling faces, and old man walked by. He slowly looked up at me and waited until he knew he had my attention. Then out of his mouth, along with much sourness, came "Nice parking spot". It was full of hiss and annoyance. Just then I realized that all this happiness surrounding all of us, really is just relative to your state of being. I really couldn't believe this man could find anything to be so snarky about on a day like today. My resolve to relish in the happy became even stronger as we drove away.

Fast forward to this evening. I know no one ever admits to an imperfect marriage where their spouse and them never argue, but lets be real, it happens. It happened to Drew and I tonight, nothing big. In fact, it was ridiculously small, and we were making it into something it had no business being. Makenzie has this "friend". I put "" on it because this friend just showed up one day on our doorstep one day weeks ago. I don't even know how she knew we had a child around her age, but Makenzie jumped right on it. She didn't care that this girl obviously has baggage that no 7 year old should have to deal with. She always came a bit dirty, hair never done, clothes never fitting right. When asked about her family over the past few weeks she has been showing up, she never really had answers that made me feel good about her living situation. She was ALWAYS hungry, so we always fed her. Makenzie was always sending her home with her toys to "borrow", that ended up getting lost every time. I knew nothing about that, until tonight. Makenzie never seemed to mind too much that her toys were lost. She just loved having her friend over. She came at dinner time tonight. I must admit, my heart sinks a little when I see her peaking through my glass at the front door. Not because being kind to a child isn't something I want to do, it's more the lack of manners and not knowing how to deal with some of her issues that makes me uncomfortable. I'm only 33, what do I know about raising children?? My poor kids deal with it enough! I told her she could play until I had dinner ready, and then it was family night. As I was making dinner, the whole time I kept hearing "you need to ask her to stay and eat". So, I listened to the promptings. When I asked this sweet 7 year old if she could stay for dinner and that she needed to go ask her parents if it was ok, and that we would wait for her to get back - this was her response " Well, I came over here because my parents locked the door behind me and said that they needed alone time. So I'm pretty sure they won't mind."

It really is all relative isn't it? Here Drew and I are squabbling about the back yard, and this child is dealing with that? My heart sank. I was so sad to think of my kids ever filling that way. NO child, should ever feel that way.

I gave my little ones an extra long snuggle time tonight.

Age doesn't keep you safe....

I try and make right choices, I guess we all do. It should seem fairly easy. Good is good, bad is bad. Friends are people you care about and look out for, family are people you love and keep sheltered at all cost. Why is it then, that when you least expect it, someone you care about deeply, completely defeats you?

I don't know the answers...but this is what I do know. I know that even though I'm 33 years old, my age doesn't shield me from being treated like I was when I was 16. Whats worse, by someone I loved. Someone I risked more than I ever should have for. Maybe that's the point, I risked too much. I had something like this coming I guess. I learned the hard way. That seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life since the beginning.

It's strange how it can make you feel so empty, being disrespected. If you think about that word, its doesn't sting your ears as strong as the meaning behind that word should. When we think of words that last, that hurt, that you can't take back - you think of hate, and all the words that spider off it if. I never thought of disrespect as one. I do now.

In ways it's worse than hate. Hate, at least to me, is more honest. It's raw, there is no guessing how someone feels. Disrespect is a word that acts like a thief. In the beginning, it starts off as a promise of friendship, hope, even love at times. It can go years pretending, and then one day it steals it all back. What you held dear, just disappears. Worse than that is that when it is gone, it leaves you feeling empty and used.

Today was one of those days where being the bigger person, taking the higher road, feels terrible. I have always had a hard time seeing the difference between "taking the higher road" and being "walked on". If feels pretty much the same today. I choose to believe that it is the right thing to do, so I do it. My faith helps me hold on to the fact that my life is bigger than this, and it's my job to make the best of things that happen to me.

Not much to say except....

I'M STARVING. Survey says? I need to go to the grocery store to get more food. Healthy food. Boo! I hate being hungry and not having anything that qualifies for me to eat.

"If the past calls, don't answer. It has nothing new to say"

I know not everyone admits it, but the past catches up to them. In one way or the other, you will answer for the past mistakes you have made, or the past situations not answered, or the lack of drive to do things you should have. Well, that day was yesterday for me.

Is it possible for two people to stay passionately in love, forever? I ask because I am surrounded by people that constantly prove me wrong in my quest for it. I'm not saying I'm prefect in this, or that it is even easy. It's just interesting to me to watch people evolve around you. Drew has always said, from the day we were married, that women start off ready to fail. He calls it the "Lifetime Movie" effect. Has a nice ring to it right? Totally true. We grow up watching these movies and looking up the Princesses that have everything end up happily ever after. No wonder our husbands don't stand a chance!:)

I digress. My point of this is - at some point you have to make a call. Wrap up all the mistakes, the hurt, the anger, the unanswered questions, and destroy it. All the past will do is eat you alive. It's toxic, it's dangerous and it will find you. Be ready.

Back to the topic I meant to write about, day 3 of my clean diet. Today was harder than the rest. I was starting to get cocky, and so the universe put it right by showing me how NOT easy this was gonna be. I slipped today and had a Coke. Now, in my defense (and total excuse) my cheat day will be this Friday (date night with the hubby). I cleared it with him that we are not going to pizza or mexican. So, therefore, I will NOT be having soda on that day. So, I had it today. Not 5 minutes into that delicious drink, I had a killer headache. Ugh! By the end, I didn't even remember why I wanted it. What I did remember, is the fudge I have in the fridge downstairs! But, alas my dear friends, I did NOT succumb! Love the small victories! I even made a healthy dinner tonight for my family! ( I won't talk about how 2 hours later I was STARVING and I barely talked myself out of a McDonalds run. I settled for a bowl of Special K. SO not the same thing, or nearly as satisfying, but hey, I will be grateful at 5:30am when I hit the gym). Hoping tomorrow will feel a little better!

2012 - It has commenced!

Ok, so the clean eating has begun. Yesterday. Thanks right, I am already a day behind:) What is clean eating you ask? I have been asked that by quite a few people, so I should clarify that this is a term I use for myself, and probably improperly:) To me, its no more soda, virtually no sugar or breads, only good carbs, lots and lots of veggies and fruits. I am determined to make the $120 dollars Drew and I spend on Crossfit a month, worth it. Thats right, we spend that much on a Crossfit, but I will tell you what - it has been the best money we have ever spent. It has given us something in common that betters our lives. It also gives us some healthy competition:) Drew finally got the motivation to do it 3 months after I started because I was getting stronger than him! Haha! What husband can live with that? He is quickly catching up and will destroy me soon:)

So on to how this clean eating is going. First, I should have bought stock in Stride gum! I LIVE on it. It is my saving grace for keeping me off my sweets. Immediately after I eat, I stick a piece in. It seems to be doing the trick:) Yesterday, Drew and I both had headaches from the pop withdrawal. Yes that's right, I was finally addicted to the sauce. Its HARD to be off! I LOVE soda. Dang its sweet taste and burn! Oh well, my bones and teeth will thank me right? The food we are eating is pretty boring right now. I am guessing it will start to taste better after we eat it for a while. I have to gag down oatmeal in the morning, which I hate! Leaving behind me my delicious cereal.....*tear* I will miss it so.

We do get one cheat day a week, so I am looking forward to Friday night with my man! It gives me something to look forward to when I am gnawing on my carrots through the week. Bring on The Cheesecake Factory!

So this will be my journey. I am toying with the idea of posting a before and after picture. Really just to hold me accountable. We will see. Crossfit has transformed my body and I feel strong and empowered to stand along side men and hold my own. It's a great feeling:)!

I am going out with a friend tonight. It will be a massive challenge to eat clean, because we are going to none other than THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY! I will be strong:)!!