I was thinking.....

I heard a song the other day that made me start thinking.  The line that sunk deep was "don't look inside too deep cuz thats where my demons like to hide."  I got to thinking about how truly crazy it is that no one in this life will truly know what you think inside the  darkest, most hidden places of your mind and soul.  Now this is neither good nor bad, or maybe it is good AND bad.  Either way, an observation that made me contemplate myself - and others.
My brother turned 40 this year.  FOURTY!  I am sure that is not lost on him either.  To me it wasn't that he was old, far from it actually.  It was that it made me realize I am just a few years behind him.  On his birthday while he was hopefully have an amazing celebration of his life (to which he earned and should be very proud of) I was being highly critical of myself all day.   All I kept saying is "What the hell?"  I mean, I'm almost 35.  Shouldn't I be sure of who I am, where I am going and what I want out of life at this point??  Why am I still loosing my way?  Loosing my center?  Changing my dreams?  Learning my faith?  Why do I not take things more seriously?  Why do I not enjoy every single day with my family, friends, kids?  Why do I sweat the small stuff?  Why do I care so much about how I look?  Why do I care what others think?  Why does the past bother me?  Why do I waste even a second on things that will not uplift me?
I could go on forever...... like I did that day.  But I won't.  You get the point.  Sometimes I feel like that 21 year old girl I use to be in my head.  Shy, self-conscious, not good enough, not smart enough.  Does anyone else have this same fight?  I wondered all day.  It can't just be me that feels like two people, almost constantly.  The one that I am - at least the weaker, easier side.  And then there is the one I want to be.  She almost always wins, for which I am incredibly grateful.  She is strong.  She knows what is right and wrong.  She knows that the most important thing in life is her husband, her family and her faith.  She KNOWS this.  She knows that the looks will fade, and the body will get weak, and life on this earth  will end.  She knows in the end all she wants is to be with her family forever.  She will do anything to get it.
So why is it that I fight this battle?  Every time I think of this, as cliche as it sounds, all I hear in my head is "This is that natural man I talk about."  Sounds crazy, but it really is all I need to slap my mind back to center.  Even though I don't think I know the full depth to that sentence, I know it's true.  I know that the easiest route would be the most devastating.
The truth is, kids are hard.  Marriage is hard.  Having rules is hard.  Having financial requirements placed upon you is hard.  But really, isn't that the point??  Almost everything I can think of that is good for you, takes time to be easy, but once you have worked at it, the rewards are breathtaking.  I have a family to come home to at night.  I have a husband that is truly my best friend.  And even though we argue sometimes, and drive each other crazy, I would never want anyone by my side but him.  Ever.
My kids drive me crazy, and they take up tons of time and tons of energy and tons of money.  But then you walk into there room at night and you look at their sleeping faces, and just for a second they open their eyes, and you seen them smile-  You see them open their arms to you and kiss you and hug you.  There is so much truth in it, it warms your soul till it burns.  It is worth it.
I feel as though the weight of responsibility will crush me sometimes, and it's all I can do to not scream out "Enough!", I can't be responsible for this little soul, or making all the right choices!!
But I am, and I will.  Sometimes I have to remind myself that we WILL make mistakes..... I mean that's the point right??  My kids will make mistakes.  It is all part of the process.
My body doesn't hold up like it use too.  I demand a lot from it, and it doesn't give back like it use to.  My skin doesn't look like a 21 year old anymore, and I have to live with that.  I can't eat a whole box of cookies anymore and not gain weight.   This life takes from us.  If you think about it, it can be depressing.   I am realizing, now that I see my age worming its way into my life more, that is why God gave us the gospel.  Why he gave us families.  We don't have to face any of it alone.  We all bounce around like crazy people, but the crazy people we surround ourselves with love us no matter what.  They help us keep a controlled bounce,  so that we never bounce too far. :)